The Impure Cycle...

Since times immemorial, the lives of women (especially in India) have been controlled by other people (including other women). Somehow people discover ways to dominate women by exploiting issues that make them feel vulnerable.

But it is all the more shocking to know that women are dominated/controlled/ridiculed for the very reasons that make them different from men. And one such reason is the occurrence of cyclical physiologic events that a woman experiences as a result of possessing a specialized reproductive system. Yes, I’m talking about menstrual cycles.

But instead of acknowledging it as a normal and physiologic activity, people go to the extent of attaching a sense of impurity with a woman’s monthly cycles.

Just imagine a scenario where a newly wed woman is forced expected to perform some rituals or prayers in order to provide her husband’s family a male heir. But once it is known that she is in the middle of ‘those’ days, she is immediately pronounced as untouchable and quarantined into a remote corner of the house.

How can a normal natural physiological process render a person impure ? How can a Goddess/God distance herself/himself from one of her/his own creation just because that creation was functioning normally ?

Do women really need to pray to such a Goddess/God ?

But it is all the more depressing when one finds women (even young in age) themselves accepting the ridiculous idea of being impure. Someone once told me that this impurity is actually logical as women in the process of bleeding would contaminate things they come in contact with. Thus they are prohibited to enter temples or touch objects (including containers of food) during ‘those’ days.

I ask, what if the son of the house, having injured himself falling off his cycle (pun intended) comes to the house bleeding from several places. Would he be considered impure too ? Would he be prohibited from moving about and touching things too ? But I guess we all know the answer.

The discrimination mentioned above happens only when it is known to others when a woman is menstruating. But the shame associated with it is so much that more often than not, it remains taboo. Even if a female is going through the worst possible effects (symptoms which include severe cramps, depression, fatigue, etc.) she cannot disclose the reason for the fear of being shamed.

Ignorance and insensitivity towards a completely normal physiological process makes life horrible for most females in a country like India. Having read quite a bit about the experiences of many females it is evident that even in urban areas, it is not easy for a female to tackle menarche.

Just spare a thought for the millions of girls in rural India who have no access to even the help from a confidant and/or knowledgeable mother, or to the knowledge of health education and health products, let alone have an access or freedom to go to a pharmacy. Add to it the presence of uneducated and insensitive people all around and one just shudders at the thought.

No wonder most young girls in rural India are forced to give up going to a school because of the above mentioned reasons. It is one of the most serious reasons for the pathetic female literacy rate, specially in rural India. Our country needs awareness, sensitization and health measures for all such females in rural areas. Even better if the government can provide free hygiene products from the Primary Health Centres across the country.     

Many schools in cities are known to conduct sessions to educate young girls about the health issues they are expected to face. But more often than not, the boys are kept out of such sessions. What people tend to forget that boys need as much sensitization towards such issues as girls, if not more. If young men are not educated about such gender-based issues, they will grow up being insensitive towards their female counterparts and will end up using such issues as a means of ridicule or jokes.

Why should a girl be made to feel ashamed of a completely natural process ? Why should she be denied a chance to explain the reason for her sickness ? Our country needs serious awareness regarding normal female physiology (specially for males) in order to tackle the inherent gender discrimination in our society.

For all the males who think that a female’s periods are something funny or ridiculous……. Grow up !

For all the people (including nosey MILs and grannys) who think that every girl becomes impure for some time every month……. Get a life, and let others live theirs !

Wait Till SHE Comes...

“I’m not eating this…” I exclaimed to Mom while pointing to the serving of a particular vegetable on my dinner plate with the spoon.

In fact, my demeanor wouldn’t have been much different had I been turning away a half decomposed dead lizard with a stick.

With all due respects to all the vegetarians out there, but there are more fingers in my right hand than the number of vegetables I find palatable. And the present scenario was no exception.

I had barely made my point regarding my dislike towards the sample of food when Mom declared – “Just wait till she comes…”.

Hearing that sentence has always made me wince. And it made me wince again. For those of my new readers who still haven’t understood what that sentence means, well, it is actually a warning used on me with reference to my better half who is still missing from the scheme of things in my life.

Now, there are a lot of things that people dislike. Each one of us has a lot of personal preferences regarding small things of everyday life. And sometimes people expect us to change our habits or preferences according to their liking.

But coming to the logic (or the lack of it) in the ‘threat’ that I’m often subjected to, why in the world would I want to marry someone whose sole purpose in life seems to be to make me do all the things I dislike.

Be it my finicky food habits, my preferences in clothes, my love for sleep, the (dis)arrangement of stuff in my room, my dislike towards shopping or even my resentment towards tea, I’m repeatedly warned to mend my ways before ‘she’ arrives.

In other words I’m always in the process of being groomed to make me suitable enough for marriage.

And then they expect me to show some interest in getting married ! Really…

I mean you can’t just scare a kid by telling him ghost-stories about a dark room and then push him to go and sleep in that very room. Doesn’t work.

What I really don’t get is that why would anyone want to be with someone for life who wants to change their likes and dislikes to their own liking. The other day I was reading Red Handed’s post on how girls in India are continuously under a grooming process for their life in the husband’s home after marriage. As if a girl should have no personal identity of her own and shouldn’t have any personal preferences in how she wants to lead her life.

But it is not too different for unmarried males as well who are under the continuous pressure to act, dress, eat, sleep (and shop) in certain ways that would attract a prospective bride.

And then they are continuously warned that marriage is actually the turning point in their lives after which all the ‘faults’ in their personality will be checked and corrected by none other than their future wife.

Why would I ever want to change anything about my life partner ? She may have her own preferences in food, clothing and lifestyle in general. Sounds silly to change the qualities and hence the identity of the very person you like. The same logic applies the other way round.

But still, I’m continuously subjected to those threatening words – “Wait till she comes…” !

If only they knew that she is not bothered about changing any of those things about me… :-)

It's a Boy Girl Thing...

Recently, while visiting my relatives in another town, I came across a rather strange situation. My sister-in-law (my younger cousin’s wife) suggested a visit to a nearby Mughal monument. But since my brother had taken the car to work, we had to manage on my sister-in-law’s two-wheeler for our ride. Having not ridden a two-wheeler in about ten years, and being an alien to the roads and traffic of another city, I preferred to ride pillion with my sister-in-law who is used to riding to work on her two-wheeler everyday.

Before, during and after our small journey, I came across many reactions from people who saw me riding pillion behind a girl. Right from the neighbors, the traffic policemen to the guy at the parking, people reacted as if they were highly amused at the scene.

Which makes me wonder, why is it considered so unusual for a female driving a male on a vehicle. Why is it so ingrained in our psyches (specially males) that it should always be the male to drive a vehicle while traveling with a female ? Is it just an ego issue ? If so, then why ?

Even during college days, it was a common sight to see dating couples zoom around on motorbikes. But I don’t recall seeing a guy riding pillion behind a girl, even though many of those girls were used to riding their own vehicles when alone. I guess they were too scared of being the laughing stock if they tried going against the ‘norm’.

Why are people stuck with stereotyping absolutely normal everyday tasks with gender ? I realized that we have been unconsciously promoting such stereotypes into people’s minds right from childhood.

For example, during our school days, both girls and boys were encouraged to participate in sports. While girls were quite active in sports like badminton, table-tennis, basketball and athletics, but when it came to sports like football and cricket, it was absolutely out of bounds for girls. And no one ever even dreamt of girls participating in boxing. But haven’t we heard of a certain multi-world-champion called Mary Kom ? Why shouldn’t schoolgirls be allowed to play football or cricket ?

And also, we never used to have any mixed doubles matches for badminton, tennis or table-tennis at school. Boys and girls were never allowed to consider that they can actually compete together against one another. Though one thing which I still remember about our school’s annual athletic meet was the absolutely exciting relay race in which each team used to comprise of four girls and four boys in alternate succession.

Why can’t girls compete in the same game against boys ? Agreed sports like football are high contact sports, but why not cricket ? Or for that matter, basketball, handball, volleyball or water-polo ? And I don’t mean a team of girls competing against a team of guys. But we can have teams comprising of both the genders competing against each other.

As the student in-charge and treasurer of our college sports society, I proposed such an idea during our annual sports fest. I suggested for a “Six-a-side” cricket competition in which each team would comprise of three girls and three boys. Amazingly, this idea was taken up like hot pancakes as participation poured in and we had an amazing and fun-filled day of cricket. I did tweak the rules of the game to make it a level playing field for girls. But it was pleasantly strange to see so many girls wanting to play cricket, something which they are usually denied right from childhood.

Strangely, most of my team-mates from the college cricket team gave it a miss. I came to know that they were very uneasy sharing a cricket field with girls. In other words, they felt too manly to compete with girls in something that is considered exclusively a men’s game. Maybe they were shy to hit a ball from a girl bowler or just too ashamed by the thought of being hit by a girl batswoman. But to their own surprise, most of the matches were closely contested with girls proving a handful for the boys.

Me, (in the blue pullover) clarifying the rules before our team's match

I feel that such a concept of mixed gender sports would actually help in discarding at least a few of the male-female stereotypes and would perhaps help in neutralizing the sense of ego that many males grow up with. If not those, at least such a concept would help curb the practice of sledging and misbehavior on the field.

Sports can be an effective tool to promote mutual respect between the two genders. Specially since stereotyping is probably the biggest hurdle in the path of achieving gender equality.

Image courtesy : Google Images

Going Top-less...

India seems to have been gripped with a strange but unspoken competition going on within its boundaries. States, cities, organizations, individuals, just about everyone seems to be busy taking on everyone else in a battle of wits. The only catch being, in this battle of wits, everyone appears unarmed !

Just a few weeks back, the management of the famous Mahalaxmi Temple in Kolhapur (Maharashtra) decided to impose a dress-code for the women devotees visiting the temple. But before they could hog the media limelight, some alert ‘social activists’ from the city of Ranchi declared that females who preferred wearing jeans would be greeted with acid attacks. Though these well-meaning ‘social activists’ didn’t confirm that the acid would be that contained in their own skulls.

While just the other day, the professors of a college in Bareilly, denied entrance to female students into the college campus. Why ? Obviously… the girls were dressed in jeans and tops. (More here)

It appears to be a really sorry state for the Indian male. With the females being the center of attraction of all and sundry (right from Guwahati to Mangalore) the Indian male can just sulk in frustration. I mean, a girl who is covered up from head to toe, revealing no more than 15% of her skin gets more raised eyebrows than a poor guy standing topless on the road. Why ? Just because the girl is attired in western clothes on Indian land. So unfair !

According to the management committee of the Mahalaxmi Temple, “it was observed that majority of women visited the temple in western attire. It doesn't look decent and also distracts attention of male devotees.” (More here)

And all this while, I thought a temple was supposed to be for the worship of Gods and Goddesses and They should have been the ones examining the devotees. Not the members of some committee. And shouldn’t the male devotees be concentrating on their devotion to the Gods instead of the girl standing besides them ? Ahhh… but haven’t I always reveled in the bliss of my ignorance !

And strangely, the Mahalaxmi Temple is dedicated to Goddess ‘Shakti’, the goddess of power ! When asked if the temple committee plans similar rules for male devotees, committee members said that there was "no need for dress code for male devotees". Errrr… excuse me, but shouldn’t it be the male devotees who should be properly dressed while visiting a Goddess ?

The professors of the college in Bareilly claimed that “wearing jeans spoils the college environment.” Of course, the male students and the male professors (many of whom themselves were dressed in jeans) would be expecting any and every girl dressed in jeans to break into an ‘item song’ on the campus. Detrimental to the studies… I tell you !!!

Strangely, sometime back the professors of an ‘all-girls’ college in my own city were in the news as they banned jeans for its students. And there weren’t even any male students or professors in that college ! 

And all this while, the ignorant me thought that the issue was about the showing of skin. (exclusively related to females, obviously)

Though, of course, skin show is sacrilege. For a female, that is. A man wearing an ill-fitting t-shirt and shorts is welcome to fold his hands and pray in a temple (I’ve witnessed it many times myself), but not a girl who forgets to cover up her head. I was a bit confused when I saw the male priest of a famous temple performing the ‘aarti’ with just a ‘dhoti’ tied around his waist. The ‘Tissot’ watch on his wrist was obviously ‘western’. Though he didn’t have a baseball cap on his head. Or any other head-gear for that matter. If the dress/decency aspect is to be considered, then how, he was the most eligible person to be nearest to the Goddess was something my idle brain couldn’t comprehend.

So, jeans, shorts or skirts are western. And thus, are strictly forbidden. But why just for girls ? Ohh… boys don’t wear skirts. So, jeans and shorts are fine for boys. But I wonder why don’t boys test the waters by trying out skirts. Maybe that will be fine as well. But as long as one is a good, cultured Indian girl, jeans, shorts and skirts are forbidden. No wonder the young girls from the village ‘Asara’ collectively burnt a bonfire of jeans and other western dresses in favor of a 'directive' dress code by their elders recently. (More here)

When a Sunita Williams walks smartly dressed in a pair of jeans, she is ‘Bharat Ki Beti’.

When a Saina Nehwal wins an Olympic Bronze wearing a short skirt, she is ‘Bharat Ki Shaan’.

Ahhhhh….. where was I ???

Last week while blog-hopping, I stumbled on to a story of a young American girl who has been going around topless in New York State since 1992 to raise awareness that it's legal for a woman to be topless anywhere a guy can be without a shirt. According to her, she was harassed by middle-aged men while debating going topless with passersby (including one man who said topless women are "going against God's law"). So you see, God’s laws are not just a boon to India. They are fortunately available all around the world. But it is in India, that those ‘laws’ can be effectively put into practice (exclusively to females).

August 26^th is ‘International Go Topless Day’. But our society believes in celebrating our ‘top-less-ness’ all the year round. Our top floors are ever so empty !

(Image courtesy : Google Images)

Evolution of Gender Discrimination...

Sometime back, I read a post by Preethika about how females are held responsible even for disputes between men and how it is said that it all happened ‘coz of her’…

I was still pondering on it when I read this incident about a girl who was traveling in the Delhi Metro.

And then, I saw the news about a group of morons in some village near Baghpat in U.P. (calling themselves some sort of a Panchayat) who announced a diktat according to which all women under the age of 40,

1. Are to be barred from going to a market alone
2. Should not be seen in public without covering their heads
3. Cannot use mobile phones
4. Cannot have a love-marriage

It is not at all surprising such things actually happening all around us. Ever since our civilization came into being, women have been forced to find satisfaction in being the subordinate gender. Even all the religions, either through their texts or their rituals have made sure that this gender-discrimination not only continues but grows stronger.

Very early in the course of human evolution, males realized the special powers the females of their species were blessed with. The males realized that females were in fact, the stronger sex. So, before the female population could realize this fact, the make up of the society was constructed such that the females should never get to know their strength and would readily accept the superiority of the males.

Being a student of Zoology, I learned how living things evolved and how creatures adapted to retain certain functions and corresponding body parts. Over the passage of millions of years, these characters eventually got incorporated in the very genes of the creatures.

And I think, so has the aspect of male superiority got incorporated in the very DNA of our population. (At least of those in the sub-continent) Just as a baby of a carnivorous animal doesn’t need to be told to be attracted by flesh, similarly, it comes automatically to a man to feel superior to a woman.

I’m not generalizing each and every male in the Indian sub-continent to be the same. And surely they all are not the same. But it usually takes a fairly decent upbringing to make a male different from the above norm of male dominance over females.

To put it bluntly, males cannot tolerate a female to be an equal, let alone be better in any aspect of life. So, they have to be kept in subordination. Either through religion, culture, rituals, emotions, laws or if everything fails, through force.

The above diktat is supposedly to prevent harassment of females of the society. Obviously, the harassment is expected from the males. But strangely, the clever males themselves decide to restrict the freedom of the females in order to escape harassment.

I just wonder…

Why not ban all males from going to the market unless accompanied by a female ?

Why not propose a dress code for the males (who have no qualms in going around a public place even bare-chested) ?

Why not prevent males from using mobile phones ?

And when they put an age limit of 40, is it expected that each female also carries a proof of age along with her ? So, that a goon may come up to her and say…

“Hello Ma’am ! Are you being accompanied by any male ? Can I have a look at your ‘Voter ID’ ? Ohh. So you turned 40 yesterday ? Here’s your ID. Sorry to bother you. Enjoy your shopping.”

Or would he say…

“Hello Ma’am ! Are you being accompanied by any male ? No ? Can I have a look at your ‘Voter ID’ ? Ohh. So you are turning 40 next week ? Hey guys… come on. She asked for it !”

And just how did they get the idea that using a mobile phone jeopardizes the safety of a woman when she goes out ??? Is it so that a goon/molester calls on the mobile phone of a girl and says…

“Hello. Sorry to disturb you. Can you tell me your plans for shopping tonight ? Will you be alone ? Yes ? Good. I’ll be there with my goons. See you !”

And they have banned love-marriages. The order says that anyone resorting to love marriage will be boycotted by the community and anyone found helping them will face a similar fate. In other words, they have a problem with the concept of love marriage. So, even if the girl and guy are well settled in their careers and earning well, they will not be allowed to love and marry.

I now think that the same-religion/same-caste marriage thing is just an excuse to continue the like-minded communion of superiority-complexed males. Something they will lose if love marriages are allowed to take place which allows a girl to get something she likes and chooses.

The people who resort to such moronic rules are actually the males who, during their own lifetime, have passed through an age where they couldn’t achieve what they wanted. That includes the absence of technology (mobile phones to connect to their love interest) and the forceful rejection by the elders to any rare confession of love. So, these frustrated souls would rather die than let the females (who enjoy living in relatively better times) get away with their dreams, aspirations and most importantly, their freedom. 

Often, while driving, I have noticed when a girl zooms past on her two-wheeler, within a matter of seconds, a guy (or a couple of them) on another two-wheeler, speed up past the girl, often swerving into her and making her stop in order to avoid a fall, and driving off after some sneers, glares or even some nasty words. I guess they just cannot stand being overtaken by a girl on the road even if she is in a hurry to reach her work.

Even during my college days, in the very first year, I ended up being second in my batch in the university exams. Ranks 1, 3, 4 and 5 were all taken by girls. I was more bewildered than anything about my result as I was praying to just pass but ended up being second. But, on more than one occasion, boys from my batch came up to me saying, “You should have topped. So, she should have been shown her real place !” Obviously, they didn’t care how they fared, but were visibly hurt because a female had topped.

So, be it at home, at work, at school or college, or even on the road, a man cannot digest a woman being better than him even if she has got nothing to do with him.

And I don’t think any set of rules or laws or even education can make a difference to this inherent gender-discrimination. As I said above, it seems to have been incorporated in our genes now. I only hope, and hope dearly, that the character of quiet acceptance hasn’t yet incorporated into the genes of females.

(Image courtesy : Google Images)

A Mother India without Daughters...

I had drafted this post a while ago, but somehow I delayed it as I felt I still had some fine points to add to it. And by some strange co-incidence, I saw the first episode of the show ‘Satyamev Jayate’ before publishing this. So it made it easier for me to add the points which I had left earlier in writing this piece.

While reading the latest anthropological data of India (for my upcoming exams), I wasn’t at all surprised to find the child sex ratio dip further to a mere 914. Ok, the gender of a baby is based on a 50-50 probability. But such a vast gender difference cannot be attributed to probability alone. And as we all know, female feticide is the main reason for this appalling sex ratio.  

Thinking of it, I wondered why do people even consider such a crime for the want of a male child. And after going through my observations of people and some absolutely ridiculous mindsets throughout my life, I could list the following reasons for the prevalence of female feticide in India.

1. The want of a male child to continue the so called ‘vansh’.
2. A male child would ensure more earning hands in a family with low economic background.
3. A male child would ensure that the parents are cared for in their old age.
4. A female child would require saving money all life for her wedding. That includes the dowry to be given along with.
5. Even before the marriage of a female child and forever after that, her parents and family would have to live a life of humbleness and humility in relation to her husband and his family.
6. A female child would require taking extra care regarding the family’s honor and respect.
7. Ladies under the influence of some unsaid comparative competition between themselves take pride in their daughter-in-laws having a male child.
8. Women themselves want a male child under some delusion of it being a sort of redemption in the eyes of their husband and in-laws.

Here is what I feel about each of the above points I mentioned.

1. Pedigree. Do people actually know about their ancestors four or five generations ago ? If they don’t even know whose family tree they are so keen to expand, what’s this big issue about the family lineage ?
2. Yes, that does hold true for some (if not most) underprivileged families. But I’ve seen it usually backfiring. I can recount at least half a dozen cases which have two or more male children (who were obviously expected to help in the family’s earnings), but still, they are the ones who do nothing while the girl children of the family are burdened with the family’s earnings. If that’s the case, then shouldn’t it be the other way round ? Having more girl children to increase the family’s earnings. But either way, it’s simply ridiculous.
3. Does a son always ensure taking care of his old parents when they get old ? Don’t we find sons at war to grab the parents’ property instead of taking care of them ? Not that it is a generalization, but how can it be a surety and a reason to want a male son too ?
4. That is one of the main reasons for female feticide in most of India. As soon as a girl is born, her parents start worrying about saving money for her wedding. And if she is the second or third girl child, then the very aim of the parents’ life becomes that to marry off their daughters. And the dowry included actually seems to be the price they have to pay to marry off their daughters. That’s why I’ve always felt that the very concept of a wedding should be discarded. A wedding is the ultimate ghastly event (for a girl’s parents/family) for which the girl suffers all her life before and then all her life after.  
5. Something utterly preposterous I’ve seen and experienced is that how the girl’s parents and family treat her husband and in-laws with folded hands and bowed heads as if they were something divine just because they are their daughter’s in-laws. I’ve seen fathers of girls who were getting married tolerate absolute rogue-ness from the groom’s family before, during and after the wedding. What advantage exactly does being a groom or his family have over that of the bride ? Why should only the girl’s family bear all the expenses of the wedding and not divide it equally between the two families ? Why does a girl’s family feel helpless even after the girl being subjected to torture after her marriage ? What exactly is this outrageous mindset so strongly built in Indian families ?
6. A girl’s family is always tensed about their family’s ‘honor’ that is idiotically related to their girl and her life. In India, a family’s so called honor and respect is ascertained by how their daughter lives her life. What she does. How she dresses. Whom she befriends. Where she goes. But the same family wouldn’t have a care in the world if they have a son. No matter what he does in his life, it never concerns the honor of the family.
7. It is not just the males of the society, but even the highly educated females who go berserk for want of a male child in their family. A lady would want the extreme love and respect from her son, but would never allow him to do the same with his wife. Recently, in my very close acquaintance, I came to know of a case where a reputed lady doctor forced her son to torture his newly wed wife to unbelievable extent so that she wouldn’t be able to pursue her higher education. I guess such females want a son so that in future they are in a position to torture another helpless female through their sadist fantasies.
8. This one, though sounding absolutely ghastly, is actually true in most cases where young women yearn for a male child in order to get into the good books of their husband and in-laws. Being a female themselves, they don’t even think about the fact that they are ridiculing their own self. Women who disown their daughters just because they wanted a son should not have the right to motherhood. One can’t abuse motherhood once and enjoy it another time.

And I wouldn’t forget the role of doctors in carrying out such a ghastly crime as female feticide. Considering that most gynaecologists in India are females, it is absolutely shocking how females can themselves be so heartless while murdering unborn females. Being from the Med field myself, I hope that such criminals be brought to justice soon.

We all are so worked up against corruption in India recently. But is monetary corruption all that we can care for ? Is anyone concerned about this act of corruption at the level of one’s soul that has been happening since long and still carrying on freely ? Would we come forward together in a war against female feticide just as people did in the war against corruption ?

I have my doubts…

(Image courtesy : Google Images)

Bride & The Prejudiced...

A very familiar scene:

Boy and girl, a very committed couple since long, having a candle-light dinner, with some soft mushy music playing in the background…(obviously!) are lost deep in each other’s eyes, when…

Boy: My princess…
Girl: My angel…
Boy: I love you…
Girl: I love you too…
Boy: Will you marry me?
Girl: Ohhh… YES!!
Boy: Great. Then let’s get you converted…
Girl: …… ??!??!!??!!

Well, maybe it’s not usually as bluntly put as that. Or maybe it is. I don’t really know. But it certainly is put sooner or later before a person decides to marry someone he (or sometimes… she) loves, who belongs to a different religion/caste/community.

And all this while people tell me that the new, young and developing India has moved into the twenty-first century!! (Really?)

Which makes me wonder that why would someone want to change a person he loves! People have simply no issues when they ‘supposedly’ decide to fall in love. No issues still while going around the town dating that someone special. And no issues still more while flaunting their ‘committed’ status on Facebook, Orkut and what not.

But when it comes to actually marrying a person from a different background, issues start appearing from absolutely nowhere. Then is the time when age-old and absolutely pathetic reasons fly out from left, right and center.

We have such different customs and traditions…
My family won’t accept her without getting converted…
We have to answer the society…

Do we ever realize the heights of ridiculous prejudices regarding different communities in our own country, though we see it all around us, everyday of our lives?

My granny’s cousin was so prejudiced against certain communities that she wouldn’t even let such a person anywhere near her kitchen, let alone eat the food prepared by him/her. Unfortunately, she passed away before I could put some of my questions for her to answer.

For any such person prejudiced against other communities, who happily eats food cooked by someone he or she approves, I’d just like to take things back to their origin. Does such a prejudiced person actually know…

• the caste/community/religion of the person who sowed seeds in the farms?
• the caste/community/religion of the person who carried the grain to the crusher?
• the caste/community/religion of the person who crushed the grain into flour?
• the caste/community/religion of the person who packed the flour?
• the caste/community/religion of the person who distributed it to the market?

The answer is a big NO!

We all travel in buses, trains and planes. Do we ever bother to ascertain the caste, community or religion of the driver or pilot? Someone in whose hands we literally put our lives…!!!

Does a person stop sending his/her child to the school because one of the teachers is from a different community? Does a person refuse to do business with someone of the other religion? Does a critically ill patient first ascertain the caste of the doctor on duty?

NO! Because those are our needs! In times of need, we let all our prejudices go into hibernation. Only to appear with renewed vigor when it’s the time for marriage!

And most often, it is the girl who is expected to ‘convert’ if she decides to marry into a different community (though there are many examples otherwise too… as per my own experiences!).

And then I again wonder why such ‘wisdom’ dawns on the individual not once before the talk of marriage. It baffles my mind no end. Are people in a state of illusion or delusion while they are falling in love? Do they imagine their love-interest to be of their own communities? Do they forget all such reasons of ‘wisdom’ while they date?

Why would a sane person try to change anything about someone he or she so dearly loves?

I have actually known people who broke-off their ‘relationship’ (that’s such a big misnomer!) just because the other didn’t agree to convert into their community. I seriously ought to be informed if there’s anything more ridiculous than that.

I would simply ask such people, that “while falling in love with that special person, did you ask your family’s, community’s or the society’s permission? (And did they allow you?) And even if your partner accepts your preposterous demands, wouldn’t you be changing the very identity of the person?

What would be better?

1. A bride who doesn’t convert, but cares for everyone and follows all the customs of her new family as they should be followed.
OR
2. A bride who converts (or is from the same community) but cares for nothing.

We, in India, are brought up on a daily dose of some outrageous prejudices regarding different communities. Though in unspoken terms, we are also taught to forget all such prejudices in times of materialistic needs. But as it is said, ‘Love is blind’, one becomes blind while falling in love.

I so dearly wish that love was deaf as well, so that all such ridiculous talks from our society wouldn’t affect lovers' ears…

Picture Credits: Google Images

Escape to Love...

Having been extremely busy with stuff, I haven’t been able to post anything here of late. To finish off an eventful year, I’m posting a story which I wrote for Avada Kedavra as a guest post on her blog. I’ll be back with lots more in the new year soon.

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She felt weak in her knees as she hopped down on to the platform.

She didn’t know if it was due to the exhaustion of the tiring journey or due to the biggest step she had ever taken in her life. But either of the reasons didn’t really matter now. Here she was. All alone, in an entirely unknown city.

She looked left, then to the right. No sign of him. “He must be there somewhere, checking every coach for me.” She thought. She hadn’t had a chance to tell him the coach number.

She saw an empty bench ahead. “I better wait for him here.” She sat there with her bag clutched in her lap.

There was life all around. Families getting off the train with loads of baggage. Porters running along in search of prospective customers. The vendors shouting at the top of their voices while doing brisk business. She tried her best to divert her attention to those little details of people’s lives. But at every next minute, she would involuntarily look around in search of him.

Amidst all the noises, she found her mind recollecting the events of the day.

It was early morning, when her dad had announced that the prospective groom and his family would be arriving in two days. And that was when she had lost it. She had announced her disapproval about the idea in no uncertain terms. And her dad had shouted at her. And she had shouted back at him. For the first time in life… !

And then she had rushed in to gather her belongings. She couldn’t breathe anymore in that cage. She shoved her things in the bag even as her mom continued to let her have more than just a piece of her mind.

She had decided. She was leaving. She wanted to be with HIM. HE was her life now.

She had tried to call him. But couldn’t get through. So she messaged him to let him know that she had left all for him. And that she would be arriving by the evening express. She got herself an un-reserved ticket with whatever little money she had saved. And she boarded the train. She was free. She was finally going to be with him.

A slight chill in the air shook her back into the present. The sun had almost gone down, letting the darkness take charge of things. But he still wasn’t there…

She felt her throat go dry. She quickly took a couple of gulps from the bottle she had bought. She felt better. But still…

It was almost an hour since she had de-boarded. Why wasn’t he here ? Did he get her message ? She took out her mobile phone. She hadn’t even got a chance to recharge the battery before leaving. The screen was blank. She switched it on. It showed some signs of life. Suddenly it blinked twice. “LOW BATTERY.” And it went dead again.

She saw a pay-phone on the side of the coffee shop. She went up to it, dropped in a coin and called his number. “NOT REACHABLE !”

She tried again. And again. And again. But without any luck.

She was starting to panic. Here she was, all by herself, in a completely new city. She didn’t know a soul. Except him. She didn’t know where to go. And she didn’t even have enough money.

She took out her purse and counted. She hadn’t eaten anything all day. Would that much be sufficient to buy her a meal ? If it was, then what after the meal ? Or should she skip the meal and buy a ticket back to home ?

HOME ?? What home ?? She had left home for good. There was no one to receive her back. Even if they were, did she have the courage to return ? She had argued… shouted… and vowed never to return. Could she face them now ?

And suddenly she felt her heart sinking…

She slowly went back to the bench and sat. What were the options for her now ? Were there any ?

“Why isn’t he here yet ? He’d surely have got my message. He always does. Ohhh… Why did I leave ? Why didn’t I think ? Did I act too hastily ?” That was all she could think of. Her heart sinking deeper with each passing second. Her mind was inching closer to the extreme decision. Her eyes brimming with tears.

He smiled as he looked at her from behind the pillar, still trying to catch his breath. Running the length of the long railway platform coupled with the immense anxiety about her had almost left him breathless. And then he slowly moved towards her.

He stood there, quietly, in front of her, while she looked down at the floor, almost numb with hopelessness.

“Hi.”

Startled, she looked up. And there he was, smiling at her.

She suddenly felt extreme emotions ready to explode inside her. Nothing could match the sense of relief she felt. But the raging anger felt matchless too. She loved him all the more now. But she also hated him with all she had. She wanted to run into his arms. And she wanted to kill him.

But all she could manage to do was to stand up and say, “Where were you ??”

“Sorry. Late as usual. You know I can never get my things ready in quick time…” He replied, still short of breath.

“Things ? What’s in that bag ? Where are you going ?” She was puzzled.

“WE are going back. To your place. I have to ask your dad for you. I don’t want him shouting later that I stole you.” He grinned.

“He won’t let you…”

“Then we’ll run away together. That’s why the bag…” He laughed.

She couldn’t keep herself from folding into his arms. Finally, she let go of the tears as well.

“I’m hungry…” She said.

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Wishing you all a very HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!

Right or Wrong...

Lately, I have been pre-occupied with matters of life and death. Not exactly mine, but of someone extremely close to me. If you have read my earlier post about ‘Being an Indian Girl…’, you would very well know what I’m talking about.

Ok, so there’s this case of a young couple who are in love and are facing some pretty bad opposition from their families in order to end it all. But thankfully, due to the prevailing of some better sense (and some serious efforts in persuasion from yours truly), they finally decided to marry.

So, just the other day, I suddenly got a call that all was decided and they would be marrying in the quick way which such couples usually have to resort to ultimately. As I was needed as a witness, I had to leave immediately for the destination.

Since all this was a hush-hush affair, there wasn’t anyone else who would be there to give some much needed confidence and support to the marrying couple. Not even our other friends. So, I decided to hook along one of our close friends who was visiting his family during the Puja holidays.

All I told him over the phone was that we were going to attend a wedding. Whose, I did not tell. I promised to let the secret out once we met at the bus station.

I found him inspecting the vacant seats of a bus when I reached there. As he caught sight of me, he gave me that look which said, “You have some explaining to do… and pretty fast”. I smiled and suggested that we find seats for ourselves first.

We had hardly been seated when he threw the flood of question at me. I had to break this slowly to him, for I knew about his history of being really bad at taking surprises. More so, this would be surely a shock rather than a surprise.

But experience isn’t everything. Because, hardly had I revealed the name of our mutual friend (who was getting married), his eyes bulged out of their sockets and he jumped almost bumping his head on the luggage rack above his seat. A classic example of watching someone jump even while he is seated…

After a few minutes, when things had probably started to sink in, and also the bus had started moving, did I see him coming back to life once again. The following is the conversation we had between us after that.

______________________________

Me : So…. ??

Friend : This is not right !

Me : What is not right ?

Friend : They shouldn’t marry like this…

Me : But there’s no other option…

Friend : How will their parents feel…

Me : They’ll feel bad. Obviously.

Friend : They should think of their parents who’ve done so much for them all these years…

Me : Hmmm…

Silence…….

Friend : They should have thought about all the problems before starting their relationship…

Me : When love strikes, the brain is always in deep slumber. Love is not a decision. You cannot decide emotions.

I just remembered my earlier post ‘Decision or Emotion…’

Friend : How can they just forget about their parents… ??

Me : Who said they are forgetting their parents ? Or they would forget after marrying ? Why is it that everything that they’ve done for their parents is calculated on the basis of this one decision… ?? Would everything they’ve done for their parents get wiped off just by their decision to marry… ??

Friend : I mean why can’t they think of what their parents wish for them.

Me : Isn’t their wish in this matter unreasonable ?

Friend : Why ??

Me : What’s the shortcoming in the boy or the girl ? Just that they were born in different communities ?

Friend : Still. They are trying to make their lives at the expense of their parents.

Me : How do you mean ?

Friend : Their parents have to live in this society.

Me : Yes. So… ?

Friend : They have to be answerable to the society.

My hand twitched to hit something in a fit of irritation….

Friend : It will be a difficult life for their parents.

Me : Leaving this case aside, have you ever seen anyone from the caste/community come forward to help one of their own in times of any difficulty ? But yes, they’ll be right there to criticize once a person does something off track.

Friend : Still…

Me : Still what… ? Tell me. Is pleasing one’s own community more important than the happiness of one’s children ?? That community which gives a damn to everything once the wedding dinner gets over….

Silence…….

Friend : Have their parents done all that they have done to deserve this ?

Me : Deserve what ? If they both give the utmost care and respect to their own and each other’s parents after their marriage, is that a raw deal ?

Friend : And how long have they known each other ?

Me : A little over three months.

Friend : How can they expect to know each other so well in such a short time that they expect everything to go nicely ?

Me : Hadn’t A****** (another mutual friend of ours) met his wife just for an hour and decided to marry her. Is it valid just because theirs was an arranged meeting through their parents ? In most arranged marriages still, most couples meet each other for a few hours once or twice. How then, is that considered to be a good prognosis for a happy married life ?

Friend : Still how can they put their lives in each other’s hands… ? Parents know best as they are experienced.

I thought of reminding him that he hadn’t known the driver of our bus well enough too before putting his life in his hands. The way these drivers drive these days, it’s really like putting our lives in their hands. But I decided against telling him this.

Me : Usually parents look for a decent reputed family, financial stat…

He chipped in…

Friend : Yes. A reputed family background. That’s not a wrong criteria to look for.

Me : Agreed. But does a reputed family background guarantee a boy or a girl with a good moral character ?

And I named a few such examples from good families whom we had seen and experienced in college.

Friend : In an arranged marriage it is not just the couple but the bonding of two families…

Me : So, is that bonding between two families more important even if the couple are not a good match and are not happy being together... ?? And if the couple themselves cannot bond, how can you expect the families to bond... ??

Friend : Do you mean to say arranged marriages are wrong ?

Me : No. In fact they are the best possible option for certain people. I’ll tell you which people. They are the best for people who have never loved. Those who are happy to live with a person who has been searched according to the criteria they and their family have. Those who want a simple life with a partner who can manage the aspects of married life according to their own and their family’s needs in life.

Friend : So ?? Aren’t arranged marriages more successful ?

Me : If you consider success by two people living together just because they are wedlocked, then I don’t agree. There are so many examples where the couple can’t stand the sight of each other. But are still together. Either for the sake of family or for the sake of their children. You can call that a successful marriage. But I won’t. But then again, there are numerous examples of successful arranged marriages too. But it’s absolutely wrong to arrange a marriage elsewhere for someone who is already in love with another person.

Friend : They are resisting their family’s wish to get married elsewhere. I know its difficult. But after marriage, everything becomes fine. Everyone forgets and moves on in life.

Me : How do you know… ??

Friend : Why ?? Isn’t A*** (another mutual friend) happy ? He got married as per his parent’s wishes. He forgot his love.

Me : Hmmm… It may be possible for boys to forget and ‘move on’. But I guess it’s not so with girls. And I have ample proof to support my statement which unfortunately I cannot divulge. It’s easier for boys more so because they have the upper hand in a marriage.

Friend : Huh…

Me : And by any chance, a guy gets to know that his wife had an affair before marriage, which most often he does, then life’s nothing short of hell for that girl. Is it right to ruin the life of one’s own daughter just for some false honor… ??

Friend : Hmmm…

Silence…….

Friend : But if I were in a similar case, I wouldn’t have done this…

Me : That’s why you are not in a similar case…

Friend : I would never approve of my children marrying into another community…

Me : Well, I hope such a situation never arises. But I know you’ll love your children more than anything else.

Friend : You may say what you like. But caste/religion/community does matter.

I wished to ask him if he knew what caste or religion or community was the vendor in the bus from whom he had purchased the bottle of cold-drink earlier which he was busy sipping now.

Me : I know parents do all they can for the good of their children. And also that children do all they can for their parents. But they should be allowed to take this one decision of their life.

Me : They are making a difference. And I’m with them in this. That’s how some stupid mindsets would eventually be eradicated from our country.

Me : And you are with us too in this. Aren’t you ??

I smiled....

Friend : Hmmm… Yes. I am. Why do you think I’m accompanying you…

My smile broadening….

Friend : But…

Me : It’s not wrong… !

Being an Indian Girl...

You know what… I sometimes wonder how special would Indian girls feel. To be playing the role of a mother, daughter, sister and getting all the admiration that is showered on them.

But when, sometimes, I imagine, what if I was born as a girl in India…. I’m scared to the limits of my soul… !!! Makes my hair stand on end… !! Why ???

Ok. I’ll tell you about a real Indian girl whom I know.

This girl, is as simple as they come. She had always been the sincere daughter as was expected of her. Never ever asked anything for herself. Was always truthful to her parents. Studied hard to become a doctor. Kept studying hard to qualify for higher studies. When suddenly…….

She fell for a guy.

Someone, two years her senior. Someone, who really cared for her. Someone, who reciprocated her feelings in just the same way. Someone, who made her smile even through tough working hours. Someone, who made her feel really special. Someone, who fell for her just in the same way as she had for him.

So, where’s the problem ? It’s going perfectly fine, just like a fairytale, you would say….

Religion it is…. Now you realize this fairytale is Indian…. Don’t you ??

As per her nature, this girl didn’t want to hide her feelings from her family.

You must already be expecting what’s coming round the corner by now….

The bomb had been dropped…. !!! Sacrilege…. !!! Matter of life and death. No…. !!! It’s even more than just life and death. It’s about religion…. And respect….

Obviously, she was greeted with stern disapproval. An outright NO from her brother and mother. They didn’t have the heart to inform her father.

And then begins the tormenting. The increased commotion to find a ‘suitable’ match for her as soon as possible.

This girl, who hadn’t so much as had a proper conversation with any guy all her college life just because her family wouldn’t like it (Yes…. It’s true), gets constantly pestered by the same family now to talk on the phone or even meet total strangers, one of whom would be her ‘match’.

And as she refuses or even hesitates, the mother gets hysterical, stops eating, continues crying and using these as handy emotional blackmailing tools. While the brother tries to gather any cooked up shortcomings of her love-interest and threatens him of dire consequences.

The family are ready to stop at nothing. Even if it means stopping her from pursuing her studies altogether.

Why ?? Because she has let them down…. !

If I may ask,…. How has she let them down ? Is it by being a sincere, honest and selfless daughter all her life ? Or has she let them down by proving her merit in studies ? She could have gone and got married behind their backs. But she chose to tell her family the truth. Yes, she let them down.

If I may ask,…. Is the guy she chose unsuitable ?
Is he illiterate? NO.
Is he uneducated ? NO. Most highly educated.
Is he unemployed ? NO. And with a bright future indeed.
Is he a criminal ? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Is he indecent/manner less ? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Does he indulge in bad habits ? Never drinks. Never smokes. (A rare virtue in doctors these days…. Believe me)
And he has utmost respect for elders and Indian traditions.

So, does being from a different religion over-shadows all other virtues ???

Or does religion or caste decide the real marital happiness ???

And today, I hear the most ridiculous thing of it all. While pressurizing her yet again her mother said something which was…. “I’ve kept you in my womb for nine months. Consider that as a debt. I beg you to repay me that debt now by ending your relationship.”

Is that why parents have kids ?? So they can demand the payment of their ‘debts’ at the expense of their kids’ happiness just to fulfill their unreasonable demands and the desire of a fake respect in the society… ?? The society, that is nowhere to be seen after the wedding dinner is over.

Should all the acts in life and results of relationships be assessed just by the decision of marriage ? Shouldn’t a girl be allowed to choose her own life-partner ?? Should she accept to be tied to a complete stranger who assumes that he owns her ?? Should she be even a bit considerate for parents who feel as if they’ve obliged her by bringing her into the world even though she is a girl ??

It boggles the mind….

But I do sincerely hope and pray to God, that, better sense may prevail and this girl must not face the fate so many other Indian girls face everyday.

And I also hope that more and more Indian girls stand up for not just their rights, but also for their dreams and aspirations.

To, The Indian Female...

No. I’m not feeling sleepy. I was feeling sleepy though, some 8 odd hours ago. But not since I decided to browse around a bit for some updates if any before hitting the bed. I found an update on Nikita’s blog in the form of 'A Letter' to the 'Indian Male'. And the rest of the night was spent twisting and turning trying to discover a comfortable position which could get me some sleep. But, which wasn’t to be.

Well, the reason for my sleeplessness was the sheer amazement to how she had put into words, the contents of a part of my mind. She had tossed a coin pretty high. But it would have been much better if she had turned the other side of it too. The other face of the same coin which was staring right at my mind’s eye…. refusing to let it drift into sleep.

So let me toss the coin again….

I first faced one such situation after completing school. It was some cold December evening when I was with three of my colleagues in a restaurant. Having ordered, we were in the midst of some discussion which suddenly shifted to the females of our batch. And suddenly, I found myself rather uncomfortable. I made two futile attempts to divert the proceedings elsewhere. But I guess they had got the ‘masala’ for gossip. And it was getting filthier as each second passed.

I could feel my eyes starting to burn, hot air escaping the ears and my head nearing the point of bursting. And just as they started to use names, I lost it. I completely lost it.

People who have known me would tell you that they have never seen me lose my temper. They would be surprised to know if I did. But, personally, I surprised myself by the sort of anger that I let loose then. I gave them a public dressing-down which I never thought myself to be capable of. All the people sitting around were looking at us and I wouldn’t be too mistaken if they actually expected me to get rough any second considering the state I was in. Soon, I was storming out of the place with my colleagues absolutely shocked and the onlookers pretty surprised.

And guess what !!! One of those colleagues of mine later married a girl of our own batch (not that very day… of course).

Coming to another incident which happened right during class hours. We had our batch divided into smaller ones (groups of about 20) for the sake of the numerous subjects we had to study. During one such class we were still waiting for our professor while being busy in our talks. As usual, the girls occupied the first two rows of chairs in the room while the boys sat at the back.

And the group in the last row got busy in their usual disgusting talks. One or two of them made sure to use the filthiest of expletives in the loudest of voices so that it may reach the ears of each and every one sitting in the room.

The girls were busy in their own talks. In fact they tried their best to portray exactly that. But the intense observer that I am, I could see that people were very uncomfortable. And then there was a repeat of the feeling I had at the restaurant.

And suddenly I got up, and stormed out of the room without a word. I was furious. In fact, I was in a rage. I could sense two forces having a battle of sorts inside my head. One wanted me to go back and teach the perverts a lesson. While the other tried to reason. If I did confront the perverts, I would in fact be bringing the filth out in the open which, the people had till then told themselves, didn’t exist. I would make it obvious what everyone was trying their best to ignore. Cause for great embarrassment. And that was exactly what those pervs wanted. I ended up missing the class…

Maybe I should have confronted them in order to prevent any future repetition of their misbehavior. But I guess my inexperience got the better of me.

And guess what !!! One of those colleagues of mine later married a girl of our own batch (not that very day… of course).

Which is what makes me ponder to my wits end. And what Nikita wrote in her letter to ‘Indian males’ underlines the very crux of my pondering.

“I understand that all of you are not the same, but I do not know which of you to address. I don’t know which of you is a ‘safe bet’. And I have no way of knowing it.”
But wasn’t it something else I knew all the time ? Something which said that, men’s minds are absolutely simple to understand. While a female’s mind is the most complicated thing you’ll ever come across.

If a male’s mind is so simple to understand, why can’t the females evaluate his real character ??? Why is there a dilemma in knowing the ‘safe bet’ ??? Why is there no way of knowing it ???

Consider a situation (in India, of course). A girl is away from home (be it a market, at work or the college campus) and a boy comes up and says that he would like to be her friend.

The reaction…. ??? Well, it depends. If the girl in question is a bit more adventurous, the answer would depend on the type of footwear she has on herself at that moment. A not so adventurous girl would let her eyes do the work of the footwear instead. But, almost in every case, the outcome is the same. Which actually means…. “How dare you could come up and talk to me like that?”

And if by any chance the boy happens to be her batch mate she has known for years…. SACRILEGE !!!

I may be over-exaggerating the situation but that was pretty much the norm in my younger days. Youngsters now are much more sensible than they were back then.

But yes, the same girl would probably be meeting a complete stranger sometime later in life who has been discovered by her parents as a probable match. (Again a norm in older times)

So what…. ??? Her parents have investigated everything there needs to be.

The guy is an MBA, working in the US with a huge salary package (would take his wife abroad with him) and has reasonable family background. What else can one ask for ? Character ??? No. That’s obvious.

So what if the guy robs the parents of their life’s earnings in the form of that sacred ritual called dowry. So what if he is having an ‘affair’ or two. So what if he is the same old pervert while with his ‘gang’ of friends. Marital rape ?? Oh. Come on. That’s nothing compared to the comfortable life she will get after marriage….

But obviously she just can’t accept an offer of friendship from a colleague. She didn’t know if he was a ‘safe bet’. And she had absolutely no way of knowing it too… !!!

Mind you, I too, understand that all of you are not the same. Just as you understand that all Indian men are not the same. But we have this habit of stereotyping the other gender. Don't we ?

Just for a tip, a high level of educational qualifications, luxurious levels of financial status and even a sound and respected family background cannot rule out perverseness.

Accepted. So many males are perverted. Maybe even to the extent of a majority. But that doesn’t mean you put all of them in a box, blindfold yourself and pick one out. And once picked, you place him on a pedestal which equals to that of God. What I’m driving at is that many times, even the knowledge of a man's true character is ignored by a woman, specially if he happens to be the chosen one and/or family.

Thankfully, females now (specially the youngsters) are sensible enough to identify the character of a person quicker and more accurately than their elder generations. And I actually don't blame the older generations of not being able to judge a person's true character too. What I fail to understand is how and why some females tend to ignore the perverseness of the men close to them.

Maybe patriarchy has its effect on this too. But you need to destroy it's shackles as much as us males need to. Patriarchy actually affects males as well.

Sleep…. Dear sleep…. Where are you…. ???

P.S. : I guess I got delayed in posting this bit which I had managed to do in the morning courtesy the Electricity Supply Association.