The Game of Hierarchy...

Under the influence of my very old habit of keenly observing the people around me, I have often wondered… do people submit to oppression easily ? The immediate response to this question comes as an obvious ‘NO’. No they don’t.

Unless there is this issue of hierarchy involved.

Hierarchies… we are simply surrounded by the concept in our daily lives. Be it the workplace or relationships, it is rare for a person to escape the effects of hierarchy. Effects which are mostly (if not always) negative. Negative though, for the one who is placed at a lower level in the ladder of hierarchy. Whereas, the so called superior enjoys the benefits of this very ladder of hierarchy.

A daughter-in-law quietly tolerates the whims of her mother-in-law. An assistant lives by the commands of the boss at work. A ‘junior’ college student is ruled by the ‘seniors’. Hierarchy works almost everywhere.

But what is it that drives those placed low in the hierarchy submit so meekly to those placed higher up ? From the looks of it, the very obvious answer would be the need for survival. To maintain a peaceful relationship with the in-laws. Or the necessity to keep holding on to the job. Or the so called benefits to be had from the ‘experienced’ seniors.

All the above reasons seem very logical. But beneath this practice of observing the protocols of hierarchy, there exists a sense of anticipation. The anticipation to grab the powerful position one day and exercise it over one’s future subordinates.

Very recently, I was witness to a cultural program at a government medical college. The highlight of the show was a small skit by the first year students who portrayed the life of a ‘fresher’ which also included the menace of ragging by the seniors. And as the students acting as seniors abused and threatened the ones acting as the ‘freshers’, it extracted a big applause from the entire audience including many professors watching the show who seemed to enjoy it very much.

Maybe they remembered their own days of harassment at the hands of their ‘superiors’ which eventually made way for the happy days when they were able to harass their own subordinates. It appeared to be a sweet recall of the pain and then the pleasure. And the bliss of revenge.

I have always found it strange how someone can cozy up to the very person who abused them physically, mentally or verbally. How people are able to befriend and ‘respect’ those who harassed them just a few days back ? It never did sum up as per my thinking abilities.

   

But now, it is a lot clearer to me after understanding the ways of hierarchy and the sadistic pleasure it brings once a person has been able to tide over the rough and tough days of being a subordinate. The pleasure of tormenting a subordinate is way too grand for anyone to remember the abuse their abusers meted out to them.

The delusional sense of superiority is good enough to forget the real pain and hurt of inferiority. The cycle continues from being real to being delusional. But as long as it ends on a happy note, people just don’t care.

After all, ‘kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi’ !

(Image Courtesy : Google Images)

The Bus Stop...

It was a nice and cool day. He had been looking forward to such a time for long. Pleasant weather on a day off from work was the best combination for a trip around town.

Thus, with a strange but pleasant sense of expectation he walked down the street to catch the afternoon bus that would take him to the city centre.

He was still a few feet away from the bus stop when he stopped still in his tracks. There amidst the deserted bus stop, right in the center of the bench he saw her sitting. He could feel his heart skip a beat and then speed off on to the third gear.

He was in a dilemma. Should he walk up to her ? But he was unsure of her reaction towards his presence in an otherwise deserted surrounding. He stood still trying not to breath fast to check if she had already noticed him.

He didn’t move for a couple of minutes. Time was running out. A bus would soon come along. And then he would lose her. And he didn’t want to be left with just a glimpse of her. Something that had become so common over the past few days.

He moved towards her gingerly. He was sure she had noticed his presence. He slowed down still more, but didn’t stop. Just as he was within a few feet from her, she snapped her head to look at him. He froze on the spot, trying to get a grip over his breathing.

Their eyes met for a brief moment. Then she looked away. Though she didn’t get up but he could sense she was nervous too. This gave him loads of relief and a sense of courage he had never felt before.

He took one step towards her. She looked back at him again, trying to judge his intentions. He tried to muster a smile, but failed miserably. He stopped again, looking nonchalantly down the road as if expecting the bus.

She still didn’t react. Though she appeared a bit disturbed by his presence. Maybe she was making up her mind.

He could feel her presence so near to him. With a swift wind blowing across the road, sweeping the dead leaves along, he could see her stiffen up a bit. It was the first time he had been so close to her. He felt mesmerized by her fairness. She looked even more beautiful from up close.

He realized that it was now or never and took a deep but quiet breath. He took two more soft steps and slowly sat down on the bench right beside her. He could feel his heart thumping in his chest, and its sound reverberating in his ears. He felt steam escape from his ears, while it felt impossible to breathe in.

He looked at her from the corner of his eye. She was looking away from him. He felt his throat go dry. He licked his lips and swallowed twice. She was deliberately ignoring him. The last thing he wanted was to scare her by anything he did.

But the next moment he decided to try his luck. He slowly moved his hand and touched her on her back. He dared not breathe expecting a reflex reaction from her. And not a pleasant one at that too.

As soon as she felt his hand on her back, she snapped back to look at him. He looked at her, into her eyes. Immediately, he saw a questioning look in her eyes. Out of nowhere, he managed to bring a faint smile to his face.

She was still looking at him without any hint of acknowledging the friendliness in his touch. She expected him to remove his hand and her intense stare gave the impression that she meant business.

He took off his hand, while expecting her to rise and walk away. But all she did was to look back down the road. He couldn’t believe his luck. Was she opening up to him ?

With his heart racing at the speed of knots, he moved his hand and kept it on hers. He had only imagined what touching her would feel like. But this was real. And it was intensely amazing. She felt so soft.

He suddenly found her staring at him again. But this time he didn’t let go of her. He smiled at her reassuringly. He noticed that her eyes had gone wide. Maybe she was trying to judge his intentions ever so quickly.

She suddenly straightened up and he felt that she was going to get up and walk away. But instead, she came closer to him and pushed herself into his side. He couldn’t believe it. He looked at her, into her eyes. And he saw that she trusted him.

He put his arm round her and felt her warmth on his skin. He had never thought that he could ever be this close to her. He wished that time would stand still for ever.

He was brought back to his senses by the sound of the bus that had stopped right in front of them.

“Hey mister… wanna board the bus ??!” Shouted the driver across the open door.

“Uhh.. no. Thanks !” He replied back.

“Fine. No problem.” Said the driver. “And a nice cat you got there…”

And the bus sped off…

(Picture Credits : Google Images)

Heavy Petting...

It is usually not for a long stretch of time when I manage to keep my relationship status at the ‘single’ mark. I’m almost always in a relationship (or even more) at any given time. Ummm… with animals, that is !

And my latest liaison started off in the beginning of November 2012 when a generous cat walked into our place with a pair of twins dangling from its mouth. No wonder, I was hooked instantly.

Befriending an animal is one of the most exciting and blissful experiences one can ever have. And with loads of such experiences throughout my life, this opportunity was no different. However, the cat made a disappearing act the very next day, never to return to check on the twins. Maybe she was satisfied that the little ones were in an appropriate place to be left to grow up. But it left me with complete freedom to take care of the kittens all by myself.

Though under most unfortunate circumstances, one of the kittens met with a fatal accident. This led me to be even more attached to the other little kitty.

Before long, we were literally inseparable (much to the helplessness of my Mom). And intelligent kitty having discovered the risks of possible evictions from the house after following me indoors, took to walking between my feet to evade any impending hostility. And during times when my feet were stationary, little kitty let no opportunity pass to rub itself on and around my feet. At times made me wonder if kitty had heard something awful about cat-skin and hence wanted to get it off by rubbing me frantically.

I wasn’t even spared a minute’s peace in the afternoon sun to sit and read. Repeated attempts were made to jump on to my lap (with simultaneous shrieks emerging from the direction of my Mom). But ultimately, the victory for both of us would end up as something like this.

At other times when kitty wanted to play, a stare from a distance was enough to give me the signal.

And after getting done with playing ball, getting kitty down from the top of the guava tree and having a quick snack of our favorite choco cookies, it would be time to relax in the winter-afternoon sun.

Even if I shifted base from outdoors to indoors, kitty would follow and sleep with me not more than a feet away.

I even managed to get kitty to be friends with the dogs outdoor (the ones whom I feed every night). It was a pity I couldn’t get a picture of myself standing with kitty and the dogs on my sides.

Friendship with an animal is one of the purest form of relationships. One doesn’t even need to talk to communicate with such a friend. The eyes are enough to convey whatever one wants to convey in a true relationship.

If only…

Regrets...

“Beep beep” !

The sound of my mobile startled me out of deep concentration I had managed for a few minutes reading through the latest trends in the treatment of Myocardial Ischemia. I looked up at the clock on the wall. 11:00 PM. I sighed as I closed the book and stood up for yet another round. The bi-weekly night shifts weren’t my favorite. But being a resident in a hospital had its drawbacks. Resigning to my fate, I picked up the stethoscope and stepped out of the duty-room into the Intensive Care Unit.

The I.C.U. seemed the calmest place on earth. Except for the continuous but rhythmic beeps of machines, there was not a sound to be heard. Each cubicle looked tranquil as I passed by them. But as I neared cubicle # 8, I could perceive sounds which seemed to break the patterns of beeps around. I remembered that the cubicle was occupied by the once famous business tycoon of the city who was admitted a couple of days back for breathlessness and chest pain. The man was no less than 85 years old.

Stepping into the glass walled cubicle, I saw the old man wincing and moaning in obvious pain.

“Pneumonia in old age is lethal. This doesn’t look good.” I thought.

“Are you having some trouble ?” I asked the old patient, looking at the vitals on the monitor and hardly expecting a reply.

“Uhh… huh… Can you give me something for the pain ?” The old man’s voice was so frail, I hardly heard it.

I turned towards the patient. The elderly patient was looking at me with tired eyes and a half open mouth which seemed to want to speak, but couldn’t.

“I’ll just give you an injection. That’ll ease the pain and help you sleep.” I said with the slightest smile. I could feel the old man’s eyes on myself as I prepared the dose. The man winced once more as the needle entered the skin. But then seemed to ease up.

As I discarded the used syringe, I turned back to look at the old man. The gentleman still had his eyes shut tightly. But I could clearly make out trails of tears down his cheek. I felt bad for hurting the elderly man. But injections pricked, and that couldn’t be helped. Still, I wanted to make the patient comfortable.

“Sorry. Did it hurt much ? You’ll soon feel better.” I said.

The old man opened his eyes slightly. “Come here son. Why don’t you sit here with me for a while…”

I moved across to the other side of the bed and sat down on the empty chair. All was quiet for a few minutes. The patient kept his eyes closed while I waited for the medicine to take effect. But suddenly, the old man opened his eyes. They were wet.

“I’m sorry if the injection hurt. But you see, it will bring you comfort in no time.” I tried to console the man.

“Do you know me ?” The old man asked.

“Yes. Who doesn’t ? You are such a well known figure. We have grown up watching you on tv.” I replied.

“But I guess, you would never have seen me crying on tv…” The old man smiled a bit.

“That’s ok. These things do hurt. Specially at your age. But you’ve taken it rather well.” I tried to reason.

“No son.” The old man interrupted. “It’s not my eyes that are crying. It’s my soul.”

“What ? Why ? You’ll be fine.” I blabbered.

“Pneumonia at my age doesn’t leave me with much time. I know it well… and I accept it.” The old man continued. “It’s just the realization of having lost in life that’s…”

“Lost ??? Sir, you have been one of the greatest and most successful businessmen of our times. People dream to be like you. You have achieved what others cannot even think of. How can you even use the word lost for yourself ???” I questioned.

“Come closer son. Let me tell you something that I’ve never told anyone.” He closed his eyes for a few moments. Then opened them again. “Sixty years ago, I was a poor man. I was an apprentice at a small company. I worked hard. Was honest to the core. And I had some big dreams. Really big. That was when I met this girl.”

The old man closed his eyes again. I could see the man was fighting some intense emotions.

“She used to work with us. Soon we became really good friends. Within a few months, I started to feel she was a lot different than all my other friends. She used to help me with everything. Used to share her lunch with me on days when I didn’t have any money to buy food. We used to sit and talk for hours after work. She always made me forget everything even after a tiring day’s work. I knew how she really cared for me. And I felt special.”

The old man stopped speaking again, swallowed, and continued.

“Then one day, she asked me to have dinner at her place. I was sure she was in love with me. Maybe I realized I was too. But I wanted to be sure. But as luck would have it, the owner of our company asked me to do some work for him the same day. And when I reached his house in the evening, he asked me to marry his daughter and take charge of all his business. I guess he was over-awed by my hard work and honesty. That was my chance to get my dream. And I couldn’t miss it. And I accepted.”

There was another pause. The old man took a deep breath.

“I married the owner’s daughter. Didn’t even tell my special friend the reason. And she never asked. She just left the job and went away. I progressed in life. Got all one could dream of. My wife loved me. I had a nice family. I had everything. And I have lived my life believing my success.”

The old man stopped again. And as he started again, a tear rolled out of the corner of his eye.

“But now, when I’m in the final moments of my life, it is destroying my very soul as I realize the emptiness my entire life had. As I lie here, counting my final moments, my entire life flashes in front of my eyes. And every time it pierces my soul by telling me I never had something which was my life. If only I would have told her how I felt for her… if only I had trusted her to accompany me to my dreams… if only I had some patience for success… if only…”

There was silence for a few minutes.

“Tell me son… have you ever loved ?” I was still quiet. “If you have, don’t wait for circumstances. Be honest and tell that someone special how you feel. Coz if you don’t, you’ll regret like me one day. And nothing can be worse than leaving the world with the biggest regret.”

As if on an impulse, I turned to look around. And I saw her across the hall, looking at an X-ray she held up against the light.

“Do you get me ?” Asked the old man.

“Yes sir. I get you !” I replied. I knew I had to wipe out any chances of possible regrets in my life. “Thank you sir !” I held the old man’s hand in my hands and smiled as I got up. “Good night.”

It was 8 AM in the morning but there wasn’t a hint of tiredness in me. The events of the night had changed my life. I felt like flying as I rushed across the long corridors of the hospital to get to the I.C.U. to tell the old man about what had happened during the night.

I was breathless as I reached cubicle # 8. It was empty. I stopped a nurse who passed by. “Nurse, where’s the patient of cubicle # 8 ?”

“Ohh. Don’t you know sir ? He passed away in his sleep last night.”




(Image courtesy : Google Images)

Lessons...

Off late, I had been rather busy in studies and certain complexities of life. In other words, the brain was too busy thinking whenever it wasn’t busy memorizing facts from books.

The exam season is on and I was to write an examination in Delhi in the first week of January. As per my experiences about Indian Railways in the past years, I decided to board an overnight train to Delhi. It has become a rule for the train services to be badly hit due to the winter-fog every year. So I thought it was better to spend the greater part of my journey sleeping rather than tiring myself out throughout the day sitting in a ‘day’ train.

Strangely enough, the weather seemed to change for the good for two to three days before my planned journey. There was no sign of any fog, much to my relief. And it remained so until two hours before the departure. Just as my luck would have it, the fog came down in heaps as the clock struck nine. My train was scheduled to depart at 11:45.

As usual, Dad had offered to drop me off at the railway station. But now with the ever increasing fog, we had to leave more than an hour earlier than usual because of the near-absent visibility. To add to my uneasiness, Mom declared that she would accompany us as well. I tried to reason with her about the intensity of cold and her vulnerability to it. But she was having none of it. So, we left home a good two hours before time.

Contrary to our guesses, we reached the station rather early in spite of the fog. I told the parents to leave immediately for home as I took out my luggage from our car. The train was already on the platform and I told them that I would make myself comfortable inside the train right away. Mom reminded me to call on phone as soon as the train moved from the station. I hastily yes-yessed and once again told them to leave.

Having said the customary good-byes, I entered the station, found my coach and got to my reserved berth. It was still about an hour to departure and so, the train was still pretty much empty. As I fixed my luggage at their proper places, I noticed an elderly couple sitting opposite to my berth. I noticed that they had already fixed their luggage and were sitting in complete silence facing each other on their berths.

Having sat down, I decided to make use of the time and started with a book I had brought along for my exam. People moved around the aisle, searching for their berths and handling their luggage. But this elderly couple sat there in silence without so much as raising an eyebrow. I sensed a strange calmness about them that felt rather abnormal.

I was well into the twentieth page of my book when my phone started to ring. It was Mom.

Mom : Hello.
Me : Ya.
Mom : You settled ?
Me : Ya.
Mom : Is it warm enough there ?
Me : Ya…
Mom : So, should we go ?
Me : ??!!?? You people are still here ??? I told you to leave !!! Huh…
Mom : Ok. We are going. Don’t forget to call when the train departs.
Me : Huh... I said yes. I’ll call. Now go !

I closed the book. It doesn’t help much to read when I’m irritated. Why did they have to wait when I assured them I would be ok ? They always treat me as a kid.

My thoughts were disturbed by a couple of porters who came up with huge suitcases and started to push them in beneath the berths across. The elderly man got up to make way and sat down besides his wife. A young man came up and checked the luggage, paid the porters and with a smile, requested the elderly man to look after the luggage for a while. The elderly man just nodded his head while this guy went out. So, I resumed with reading my book once again.

It was time for departure when I saw the young guy standing outside the aisle door with a young woman (who was probably his wife). Suddenly, the train started to pull away as I saw them waving to people out on the platform. And I didn’t miss noticing how the woman suddenly broke down into tears even as the young guy tried to console her.

As the train left the station, the young couple came inside and sat on the berth opposite to the older couple. The young woman was still wiping her tears amidst soft hiccups.

Suddenly, for the first time since I entered the coach, I heard the old lady speak in a really calm voice.

Old Lady : Were your relatives here to see you off ?
Young Woman : Yes. Mine and my husband’s parents and his sister.
Old Lady : Are you people going abroad ?
Young Woman : Yes. We are going to Australia. My husband works there.
Old Lady : I know it’s hard to say good bye.
The young woman managed a wry smile.
Old Lady : It’s ok. You should relax now.
Young Woman : I know. But it’s hard. You won’t understand.

There was a pause. A rather awkward one. And I was closely observing the people and their conversation.

Suddenly the elderly man spoke up in a voice as calm as his wife.

“We understand.”

The old lady resumed in her calm self. I could see a faint smile on her face that was probably there since the beginning, but it felt more pronounced now.

“Our son was once posted in Australia too. For six months. After that he moved to New Zealand. It’s a nice country he told us. But unfortunately his work didn’t let him stay there for long.”

“I see.” The young woman said wiping off the final traces of wetness from her eyes.

“Yes.” Continued the old lady. “He was then moved to the UK. They made him move all around Europe. In fact, they made him move almost everywhere around the world.”

“So you people must be habitual of this by now. No ? Where does your son work ?” The young woman asked.

It was once again the elderly man who spoke. And he spoke with an air of even greater calmness than his wife.

“He worked at a high post in the richest oil company in the world. But we lost him in the Kenya air crash in 2007. He was 25. Our only child.”

There was a weird but eerie silence just as the man uttered those words. Though not being a part of the conversation, I was still equally, if not more stunned than the young couple. The old lady continued.

“He used to come home every two or three months. His job required him to travel so much. We had gotten to, just like you said, being habitual of his arrivals and departures. And at times he used to say he was tired of traveling. And that he won’t go anywhere now. But every time he was off the very next day.”

“And he was coming home that time when the accident happened. That morning I had an altercation with him. He was complaining why I get so worked up every time he moves. That was the first time when I told him not to call me before leaving. I had got angry on him…”

That was when I saw the elderly man press at the hand of his wife. I felt that he knew he had to stop her. Though she still had that strange calmness about her face which also had that hint of a smile, maybe her husband knew too well where she was prone to break down.

I was still trying to look into my book. But it was all too hazy. And suddenly, I remembered something. I got up to move towards the door of the coach. On the way, I saw tears rolling freely from the young woman’s eyes now.

I took a deep breath as I came out of the door. The sudden chill outside the compartment made me gasp. I took out my phone from my pocket and dialed the number.

Mom : Hello. Bhaiya,… the train left ?
Me : Hmm.
Mom : Is it warm enough inside ?
Me : Hmm.
Mom : Don’t keep awake for long and don’t keep reading in that dim light.
Me : Hmm.
Mom : And don’t forget to call when you reach.
Me : Yes. I won’t forget.

(Image courtesy : Google Images)

Bride & The Prejudiced...

A very familiar scene:

Boy and girl, a very committed couple since long, having a candle-light dinner, with some soft mushy music playing in the background…(obviously!) are lost deep in each other’s eyes, when…

Boy: My princess…
Girl: My angel…
Boy: I love you…
Girl: I love you too…
Boy: Will you marry me?
Girl: Ohhh… YES!!
Boy: Great. Then let’s get you converted…
Girl: …… ??!??!!??!!

Well, maybe it’s not usually as bluntly put as that. Or maybe it is. I don’t really know. But it certainly is put sooner or later before a person decides to marry someone he (or sometimes… she) loves, who belongs to a different religion/caste/community.

And all this while people tell me that the new, young and developing India has moved into the twenty-first century!! (Really?)

Which makes me wonder that why would someone want to change a person he loves! People have simply no issues when they ‘supposedly’ decide to fall in love. No issues still while going around the town dating that someone special. And no issues still more while flaunting their ‘committed’ status on Facebook, Orkut and what not.

But when it comes to actually marrying a person from a different background, issues start appearing from absolutely nowhere. Then is the time when age-old and absolutely pathetic reasons fly out from left, right and center.

We have such different customs and traditions…
My family won’t accept her without getting converted…
We have to answer the society…

Do we ever realize the heights of ridiculous prejudices regarding different communities in our own country, though we see it all around us, everyday of our lives?

My granny’s cousin was so prejudiced against certain communities that she wouldn’t even let such a person anywhere near her kitchen, let alone eat the food prepared by him/her. Unfortunately, she passed away before I could put some of my questions for her to answer.

For any such person prejudiced against other communities, who happily eats food cooked by someone he or she approves, I’d just like to take things back to their origin. Does such a prejudiced person actually know…

• the caste/community/religion of the person who sowed seeds in the farms?
• the caste/community/religion of the person who carried the grain to the crusher?
• the caste/community/religion of the person who crushed the grain into flour?
• the caste/community/religion of the person who packed the flour?
• the caste/community/religion of the person who distributed it to the market?

The answer is a big NO!

We all travel in buses, trains and planes. Do we ever bother to ascertain the caste, community or religion of the driver or pilot? Someone in whose hands we literally put our lives…!!!

Does a person stop sending his/her child to the school because one of the teachers is from a different community? Does a person refuse to do business with someone of the other religion? Does a critically ill patient first ascertain the caste of the doctor on duty?

NO! Because those are our needs! In times of need, we let all our prejudices go into hibernation. Only to appear with renewed vigor when it’s the time for marriage!

And most often, it is the girl who is expected to ‘convert’ if she decides to marry into a different community (though there are many examples otherwise too… as per my own experiences!).

And then I again wonder why such ‘wisdom’ dawns on the individual not once before the talk of marriage. It baffles my mind no end. Are people in a state of illusion or delusion while they are falling in love? Do they imagine their love-interest to be of their own communities? Do they forget all such reasons of ‘wisdom’ while they date?

Why would a sane person try to change anything about someone he or she so dearly loves?

I have actually known people who broke-off their ‘relationship’ (that’s such a big misnomer!) just because the other didn’t agree to convert into their community. I seriously ought to be informed if there’s anything more ridiculous than that.

I would simply ask such people, that “while falling in love with that special person, did you ask your family’s, community’s or the society’s permission? (And did they allow you?) And even if your partner accepts your preposterous demands, wouldn’t you be changing the very identity of the person?

What would be better?

1. A bride who doesn’t convert, but cares for everyone and follows all the customs of her new family as they should be followed.
OR
2. A bride who converts (or is from the same community) but cares for nothing.

We, in India, are brought up on a daily dose of some outrageous prejudices regarding different communities. Though in unspoken terms, we are also taught to forget all such prejudices in times of materialistic needs. But as it is said, ‘Love is blind’, one becomes blind while falling in love.

I so dearly wish that love was deaf as well, so that all such ridiculous talks from our society wouldn’t affect lovers' ears…

Picture Credits: Google Images

Ties that Bind...

It is that special time of the year once again when people all around are busy diving in a sea of emotions for their brothers or sisters... Boys flaunting their 'Rakhi' covered wrists and girls beaming around with all those special gifts... :)

Here is a small collection of videos to further add to the emotions of Raksha-bandhan...

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This post is dedicated to my sisters who have always been a special motivating force behind me...

Debt to Debt....

Case Study #1 :

A small and happy Indian family. A husband, his wife and their son. The parents ensure the best possible upbringing of their son. The son completes his studies, doing exceedingly well all through. He gets a job overseas and hence migrates abroad. He works hard and well enough to get much more than a decent salary. He uses his finances to get his parents a beautiful villa back in India with all the luxuries possible, including servants, drivers, etc. He sends them a big cheque every month and calls them once a week.

A few years later when his father suggests him to return, he explains that his job abroad is a must for them to have a good life. And also that he wouldn’t be able to adjust in India again. But he ensures that his parents are well cared for.

Case Study #2 :
A similar small and happy Indian family. A husband, his wife and their son. The parents ensure the best possible upbringing of their son. The son completes his studies, doing exceedingly well all through. He gets a decent job in their town itself and so the family lives happily together.

A few months into the job, the son falls in love with a girl colleague. But their families have completely different backgrounds. The girl’s family is strictly against their marriage. The guy, hence, gives up his love and decides to marry a girl of his family’s choice for the sake of his parents’ wish to have a daughter-in-law.

The above two scenarios, though completely different, are a common occurrence in the Indian society. Most often than not, you will find young boys and girls taking steps to ensure proper care and well being of their parents, while also ensuring priority to their parents’ wishes. Something which is really heart-warming to find all around us.

But a deeper understanding of such actions provides evidence to a much heavier basis to the above attitudes.

In the first scenario above, the son was more concerned about his parents being well cared for, while in the second scenario, the son put his parents’ wishes on priority. And if you ask anyone, neither of them would be doing any wrong on their parts. In fact, both are being the good sons anyone could ask for.

But in most cases, (surely not all) the reason behind such a caring attitude of children towards their parents is because they seem to realize the great debt they owe to their parents. As per my experiences, people tend to care for their parents in order to repay that debt. You will most often hear someone say. “My parents have done so much for me. So I can’t be selfish. I have to care for them too.”

What I don’t understand here is that do parents care for their little kids so that they can pile on that debt on them which could be retrieved later in life ???

Obviously NO ! Parents do whatever they do for their kids because they love their kids more than anything. So where does this debt thing comes in between… ???

Suppose a guy has to borrow some money from a money-lender in some unfavorable times. He can always repay that debt once he has enough money of his own. But how can one even expect to repay the debt of one’s parents by any of his or her actions ??? In fact, considering the unconditional love of one’s parents to be as a debt is, in a way, reducing it to something cheap and materialistic.

And if one is adamant enough to consider it all as a debt, then, it is absolutely certain that such a debt can never be repaid by any action. Even if one lives for a million years earning a zillion bucks per hour !!!

And if one is adamant enough to consider it all as a debt, then, he will surely take this forward in the next generation onto his kids. Which usually happens later in life. People who believe in this ‘debt’ business towards their parents are the ones who deal for their children’s happiness later in return.

Why can’t people love their parents instead of trying to repay some debt all their lives. Our parents will never ask us for sacrifices in return for any ‘debt’. In fact, they won’t even ask for care or affection. It is actually onto the children to have real feelings for their parents which comes from within. Not due to any obligations.

If a person marries someone of her or his choice, that does not automatically mean that the person will stop loving, caring and respecting one's parents.

On the other hand, there are parents who demand a sacrifice from their child in the form of breaking off with the love-interest and marrying someone of their choice. Such parents are those who have carried the 'debt psychology' towards their own parents and hence expect the same from their own children.

The real happiness our parents have is through seeing us happily leading a good life and by us being with them. No amount of money or sacrifices would give any happiness to our parents if they see us unhappy or don’t see us at all.

I hope people would understand that they should care for their parents out of their love for them. Not because of trying to repay any debt.

We care for our parents because we love them. Not because we have to...

Escape to Love...

Having been extremely busy with stuff, I haven’t been able to post anything here of late. To finish off an eventful year, I’m posting a story which I wrote for Avada Kedavra as a guest post on her blog. I’ll be back with lots more in the new year soon.

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She felt weak in her knees as she hopped down on to the platform.

She didn’t know if it was due to the exhaustion of the tiring journey or due to the biggest step she had ever taken in her life. But either of the reasons didn’t really matter now. Here she was. All alone, in an entirely unknown city.

She looked left, then to the right. No sign of him. “He must be there somewhere, checking every coach for me.” She thought. She hadn’t had a chance to tell him the coach number.

She saw an empty bench ahead. “I better wait for him here.” She sat there with her bag clutched in her lap.

There was life all around. Families getting off the train with loads of baggage. Porters running along in search of prospective customers. The vendors shouting at the top of their voices while doing brisk business. She tried her best to divert her attention to those little details of people’s lives. But at every next minute, she would involuntarily look around in search of him.

Amidst all the noises, she found her mind recollecting the events of the day.

It was early morning, when her dad had announced that the prospective groom and his family would be arriving in two days. And that was when she had lost it. She had announced her disapproval about the idea in no uncertain terms. And her dad had shouted at her. And she had shouted back at him. For the first time in life… !

And then she had rushed in to gather her belongings. She couldn’t breathe anymore in that cage. She shoved her things in the bag even as her mom continued to let her have more than just a piece of her mind.

She had decided. She was leaving. She wanted to be with HIM. HE was her life now.

She had tried to call him. But couldn’t get through. So she messaged him to let him know that she had left all for him. And that she would be arriving by the evening express. She got herself an un-reserved ticket with whatever little money she had saved. And she boarded the train. She was free. She was finally going to be with him.

A slight chill in the air shook her back into the present. The sun had almost gone down, letting the darkness take charge of things. But he still wasn’t there…

She felt her throat go dry. She quickly took a couple of gulps from the bottle she had bought. She felt better. But still…

It was almost an hour since she had de-boarded. Why wasn’t he here ? Did he get her message ? She took out her mobile phone. She hadn’t even got a chance to recharge the battery before leaving. The screen was blank. She switched it on. It showed some signs of life. Suddenly it blinked twice. “LOW BATTERY.” And it went dead again.

She saw a pay-phone on the side of the coffee shop. She went up to it, dropped in a coin and called his number. “NOT REACHABLE !”

She tried again. And again. And again. But without any luck.

She was starting to panic. Here she was, all by herself, in a completely new city. She didn’t know a soul. Except him. She didn’t know where to go. And she didn’t even have enough money.

She took out her purse and counted. She hadn’t eaten anything all day. Would that much be sufficient to buy her a meal ? If it was, then what after the meal ? Or should she skip the meal and buy a ticket back to home ?

HOME ?? What home ?? She had left home for good. There was no one to receive her back. Even if they were, did she have the courage to return ? She had argued… shouted… and vowed never to return. Could she face them now ?

And suddenly she felt her heart sinking…

She slowly went back to the bench and sat. What were the options for her now ? Were there any ?

“Why isn’t he here yet ? He’d surely have got my message. He always does. Ohhh… Why did I leave ? Why didn’t I think ? Did I act too hastily ?” That was all she could think of. Her heart sinking deeper with each passing second. Her mind was inching closer to the extreme decision. Her eyes brimming with tears.

He smiled as he looked at her from behind the pillar, still trying to catch his breath. Running the length of the long railway platform coupled with the immense anxiety about her had almost left him breathless. And then he slowly moved towards her.

He stood there, quietly, in front of her, while she looked down at the floor, almost numb with hopelessness.

“Hi.”

Startled, she looked up. And there he was, smiling at her.

She suddenly felt extreme emotions ready to explode inside her. Nothing could match the sense of relief she felt. But the raging anger felt matchless too. She loved him all the more now. But she also hated him with all she had. She wanted to run into his arms. And she wanted to kill him.

But all she could manage to do was to stand up and say, “Where were you ??”

“Sorry. Late as usual. You know I can never get my things ready in quick time…” He replied, still short of breath.

“Things ? What’s in that bag ? Where are you going ?” She was puzzled.

“WE are going back. To your place. I have to ask your dad for you. I don’t want him shouting later that I stole you.” He grinned.

“He won’t let you…”

“Then we’ll run away together. That’s why the bag…” He laughed.

She couldn’t keep herself from folding into his arms. Finally, she let go of the tears as well.

“I’m hungry…” She said.

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Wishing you all a very HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!

Right or Wrong...

Lately, I have been pre-occupied with matters of life and death. Not exactly mine, but of someone extremely close to me. If you have read my earlier post about ‘Being an Indian Girl…’, you would very well know what I’m talking about.

Ok, so there’s this case of a young couple who are in love and are facing some pretty bad opposition from their families in order to end it all. But thankfully, due to the prevailing of some better sense (and some serious efforts in persuasion from yours truly), they finally decided to marry.

So, just the other day, I suddenly got a call that all was decided and they would be marrying in the quick way which such couples usually have to resort to ultimately. As I was needed as a witness, I had to leave immediately for the destination.

Since all this was a hush-hush affair, there wasn’t anyone else who would be there to give some much needed confidence and support to the marrying couple. Not even our other friends. So, I decided to hook along one of our close friends who was visiting his family during the Puja holidays.

All I told him over the phone was that we were going to attend a wedding. Whose, I did not tell. I promised to let the secret out once we met at the bus station.

I found him inspecting the vacant seats of a bus when I reached there. As he caught sight of me, he gave me that look which said, “You have some explaining to do… and pretty fast”. I smiled and suggested that we find seats for ourselves first.

We had hardly been seated when he threw the flood of question at me. I had to break this slowly to him, for I knew about his history of being really bad at taking surprises. More so, this would be surely a shock rather than a surprise.

But experience isn’t everything. Because, hardly had I revealed the name of our mutual friend (who was getting married), his eyes bulged out of their sockets and he jumped almost bumping his head on the luggage rack above his seat. A classic example of watching someone jump even while he is seated…

After a few minutes, when things had probably started to sink in, and also the bus had started moving, did I see him coming back to life once again. The following is the conversation we had between us after that.

______________________________

Me : So…. ??

Friend : This is not right !

Me : What is not right ?

Friend : They shouldn’t marry like this…

Me : But there’s no other option…

Friend : How will their parents feel…

Me : They’ll feel bad. Obviously.

Friend : They should think of their parents who’ve done so much for them all these years…

Me : Hmmm…

Silence…….

Friend : They should have thought about all the problems before starting their relationship…

Me : When love strikes, the brain is always in deep slumber. Love is not a decision. You cannot decide emotions.

I just remembered my earlier post ‘Decision or Emotion…’

Friend : How can they just forget about their parents… ??

Me : Who said they are forgetting their parents ? Or they would forget after marrying ? Why is it that everything that they’ve done for their parents is calculated on the basis of this one decision… ?? Would everything they’ve done for their parents get wiped off just by their decision to marry… ??

Friend : I mean why can’t they think of what their parents wish for them.

Me : Isn’t their wish in this matter unreasonable ?

Friend : Why ??

Me : What’s the shortcoming in the boy or the girl ? Just that they were born in different communities ?

Friend : Still. They are trying to make their lives at the expense of their parents.

Me : How do you mean ?

Friend : Their parents have to live in this society.

Me : Yes. So… ?

Friend : They have to be answerable to the society.

My hand twitched to hit something in a fit of irritation….

Friend : It will be a difficult life for their parents.

Me : Leaving this case aside, have you ever seen anyone from the caste/community come forward to help one of their own in times of any difficulty ? But yes, they’ll be right there to criticize once a person does something off track.

Friend : Still…

Me : Still what… ? Tell me. Is pleasing one’s own community more important than the happiness of one’s children ?? That community which gives a damn to everything once the wedding dinner gets over….

Silence…….

Friend : Have their parents done all that they have done to deserve this ?

Me : Deserve what ? If they both give the utmost care and respect to their own and each other’s parents after their marriage, is that a raw deal ?

Friend : And how long have they known each other ?

Me : A little over three months.

Friend : How can they expect to know each other so well in such a short time that they expect everything to go nicely ?

Me : Hadn’t A****** (another mutual friend of ours) met his wife just for an hour and decided to marry her. Is it valid just because theirs was an arranged meeting through their parents ? In most arranged marriages still, most couples meet each other for a few hours once or twice. How then, is that considered to be a good prognosis for a happy married life ?

Friend : Still how can they put their lives in each other’s hands… ? Parents know best as they are experienced.

I thought of reminding him that he hadn’t known the driver of our bus well enough too before putting his life in his hands. The way these drivers drive these days, it’s really like putting our lives in their hands. But I decided against telling him this.

Me : Usually parents look for a decent reputed family, financial stat…

He chipped in…

Friend : Yes. A reputed family background. That’s not a wrong criteria to look for.

Me : Agreed. But does a reputed family background guarantee a boy or a girl with a good moral character ?

And I named a few such examples from good families whom we had seen and experienced in college.

Friend : In an arranged marriage it is not just the couple but the bonding of two families…

Me : So, is that bonding between two families more important even if the couple are not a good match and are not happy being together... ?? And if the couple themselves cannot bond, how can you expect the families to bond... ??

Friend : Do you mean to say arranged marriages are wrong ?

Me : No. In fact they are the best possible option for certain people. I’ll tell you which people. They are the best for people who have never loved. Those who are happy to live with a person who has been searched according to the criteria they and their family have. Those who want a simple life with a partner who can manage the aspects of married life according to their own and their family’s needs in life.

Friend : So ?? Aren’t arranged marriages more successful ?

Me : If you consider success by two people living together just because they are wedlocked, then I don’t agree. There are so many examples where the couple can’t stand the sight of each other. But are still together. Either for the sake of family or for the sake of their children. You can call that a successful marriage. But I won’t. But then again, there are numerous examples of successful arranged marriages too. But it’s absolutely wrong to arrange a marriage elsewhere for someone who is already in love with another person.

Friend : They are resisting their family’s wish to get married elsewhere. I know its difficult. But after marriage, everything becomes fine. Everyone forgets and moves on in life.

Me : How do you know… ??

Friend : Why ?? Isn’t A*** (another mutual friend) happy ? He got married as per his parent’s wishes. He forgot his love.

Me : Hmmm… It may be possible for boys to forget and ‘move on’. But I guess it’s not so with girls. And I have ample proof to support my statement which unfortunately I cannot divulge. It’s easier for boys more so because they have the upper hand in a marriage.

Friend : Huh…

Me : And by any chance, a guy gets to know that his wife had an affair before marriage, which most often he does, then life’s nothing short of hell for that girl. Is it right to ruin the life of one’s own daughter just for some false honor… ??

Friend : Hmmm…

Silence…….

Friend : But if I were in a similar case, I wouldn’t have done this…

Me : That’s why you are not in a similar case…

Friend : I would never approve of my children marrying into another community…

Me : Well, I hope such a situation never arises. But I know you’ll love your children more than anything else.

Friend : You may say what you like. But caste/religion/community does matter.

I wished to ask him if he knew what caste or religion or community was the vendor in the bus from whom he had purchased the bottle of cold-drink earlier which he was busy sipping now.

Me : I know parents do all they can for the good of their children. And also that children do all they can for their parents. But they should be allowed to take this one decision of their life.

Me : They are making a difference. And I’m with them in this. That’s how some stupid mindsets would eventually be eradicated from our country.

Me : And you are with us too in this. Aren’t you ??

I smiled....

Friend : Hmmm… Yes. I am. Why do you think I’m accompanying you…

My smile broadening….

Friend : But…

Me : It’s not wrong… !

Decision or Emotion...

Recently, I saw the movie ‘Love Aaj Kal’. Though I’m not a big fan of any new Hindi movies, but since Kaddu had suggested me to give it a look, and also because it was one of those nights when sleep was nowhere in sight, I decided to… well… give it a look.

There are movies which entertain you right throughout. And then there are movies which portray reality. But then there are a few which, while portraying reality, also try to send across a message. Most often, it is a rather concealed message which only those with ample understanding capabilities can actually take out after watching that movie. This was one such movie.

I don’t intend this post to be a spoiler for all those who haven’t yet watched ‘Love Aaj Kal’. So, I’ll not go into the plot and surely not discuss the end. But I’ll just share what I felt after watching it.

The movie aptly depicts how the present generation of youngsters treats love. If you look around yourself, you will see people running helter-skelter in pursuit of their careers. Something, which is actually quite good both for an individual and for the society in which he or she lives. But it is when people complicate things by bringing love or relationships in between their career goals, that the problems start.

In fact, what I don’t understand is, whether people are in search of love or in search of a relationship in their lives. Personally, I’ve started to feel that there is a difference between the two.

A person always tries to achieve all the requirements of a successful life. It begins with acquiring the best of education, leading to a job which earns him a handful more than that’s required for a luxurious life. I guess that should be satisfying enough for anyone who intends to be successful. But somewhere I feel that in today’s times, people consider themselves to be successful by not what they have achieved, but by what others think that they have achieved.

I guess I’m drifting from the topic here. But coming back to it, a relationship is now just another necessity people tend to add to their achievements. Just like a car is a necessity for a working person in today’s times, so is a relationship. People, more than anything, need to be known to be going around with someone. But just as a person cannot take his car along with him or her if he shifts to another country, similarly does he act in case of relationships.

And that is what this movie, 'Love Aaj Kal' portrays very well, that for today’s youth, long-distance relationships don’t work. So, as a person is happy to sell off his old car before shifting to a new place for better work options, he is equally happy to break off his or her relationship too. Even to the extent of throwing a break-up party… !!!

I agree to the fact that people have their own career dreams. Some are nurtured right from childhood. But should the pursuit of a dream be such that it doesn’t even care about the most important people in one’s own life ?? In other words, can a dream career/fame/big pay-package take preference over love in one’s life ?

It can’t… ! And if it does, it is not love. It is just a relationship. Because love can never be a hindrance to any dream. In fact, it is a great motivating factor towards any achievement a person dreams of. One can break-up a relationship. But one can never break-up love.

People tend to show that they have different priorities. For them their career dreams are above anything else. Even love. But personally, I feel that such people have never loved. How can job/money/fame be more important than a soul mate ??

And that is probably what this movie portrays about love aaj-kal. The youngsters of today are confusing love with relationships. They consider a relationship to be an essential part of their success in life. And for that, they use their brains in the matters of the heart.

But what they don’t understand is, if it’s really love, there is no amount of thinking the brain can do to get matters straight. It is only the heart that can.

Sometime back I read a quotation somewhere which said, “Love is a decision, not an emotion.”

But personally, I always feel that...

‘Love is a wonderful emotion; it can never be a decision.’

Those of you who find it tough to manage their ‘relationship’ (long-distance or otherwise), along with working hard in pursuit of your career dreams should surely watch this movie.

The importance of waiting...

Sleep usually evades me in the early hours past midnight. And last night wasn’t any different. So, I got hold of a movie called ‘The Lake House’.

A few minutes into the movie, and I had started to lose it a bit. Not because the sound quality was bad or anything, but I couldn’t really grasp what exactly was going on. So I ‘Googled’ for the English subtitles and played it over again.

And before long, I was right there, being totally involved in the proceedings.

For those of you who haven’t yet watched ‘The Lake House’, I’ll just provide a brief introduction to what it’s about.

Kate (Sandra Bullock) is a doctor who has just vacated a small but beautiful house built on the lake-side. Unsure about whether the post office would take care of her changed address, she writes a letter to the new occupant of the house requesting him to forward any mails that are delivered for her. This new occupant is Alex (Keanu Reeves) who is an architect and is looking for some peace and seclusion.

In her letter Kate apologizes about the dog paw-prints at the front door and clarifies that they were there even before she had arrived. And also mentions a box in the attic. But, to Alex’s surprise, there are no paw-prints by the front door. Neither is any box in the attic. So he writes back to her suggesting a probable mistake in the address. And she replies back being absolutely sure about the details and also reminding him about the mistake he made in the date in his letter. It’s supposed to be the year 2006 rather than 2004 which he had mentioned.

But Alex is as sure of it being 2004 as she is of it being 2006. And they have proofs to back it up too. And before long, Alex finds a dog appearing out of nowhere from the woods and running into he house, making his paw-prints.

Yes, they are actually living apart not in distance, but in time… !

Not really believing that such a thing could happen, Alex goes to the address Kate had written in her letter. But only to find an under-construction site where she supposedly resides in the present.

After being somewhat convinced that neither of the two is playing a game with the other, she provides him with the events that had occurred in 2004 which he finds actually happening. And most amazingly, they happen to be having the same dog called Jack with them.

And one day, while returning from work, Jack the dog runs off with Alex behind him. And Alex ends up finding him at a house where there is a party being organized. And to his surprise, the party is called by Kate’s boyfriend to celebrate her birthday. Alex attends the party, meets Kate, they get close, but he isn’t able to tell her who he is. Because he knows her from her future. Maybe she would consider him being crazy.

With each letter they exchange, they get closer to each other. They try their best to meet up. But they cannot…. Because they are living in different times.

It seems obvious that Alex would have to wait for two years before he can try to meet Kate. But the wait seems to be just too much for either of them to go through.

And so, losing all hope that they would ever be able to meet, Kate tells Alex to stop writing to her. And she decides to marry her boyfriend with whom she had broken up after the birthday party. Alex has no option but to accept it too. But there are still some twists in the tale.

Though it is obviously something that is impractical, still the movie captivates the viewer. A story, that would leave you trying to reason with the happenings at many occasions. I found myself working out the way which would enable them to meet even though living times apart. And more often than not, the movie itself pointed out a flaw in each of my solutions.

One important message that the movie brings out very well is the importance to wait.

People everywhere seem to be ever so ready to jump aboard the 'train of life'. We just want to get to somewhere without even waiting to analyze if that is where we intend to reach. In other words, we just want to get our lives going. And almost nothing that we leave back seems to matter. (for the time being, that is…)
Whenever we reach a hurdle in life, we are prepared to change our course and take an easier path. Take for example, relationships. Whenever we tend to reach a difficult bend in the path, we would rather end it then and there and ‘get a move on in life’. But we don’t want to wait. We are neither ready to give time to the other person, nor to our own selves.

I wonder how people can be so impatient to find a soul-mate. Ok. Agreed that it is absolutely reasonable to get impatient finding that ‘special one’. And even more so for those who haven’t yet found theirs. But how can someone, who ‘supposedly’ is in a relationship, be so impatient to couple up that he/she is ready to end it all, only to move on with someone else at the onset of difficult times… ???

The beauty of relationships (or life in general…) lies in the sense of success one has after weathering the storms and achieving all that he or she actually wants. Rather than opting out the easy way and compromising their desires for an easy life all along. But, of course, waiting is never the easy way out….

I guess we all just believe in spending our lives, rather than living it. But in order to live life in the true sense, one has to be patient. One has to wait.......