Almost Engaged... !!!

I wonder if you ever found yourself in a situation which, while being funny, left you pretty much shaken and gasping for air. Well, I managed to find myself in one such situation last weekend.

As my younger brother was visiting home after six months we all were really excited. And to top it, his short trip to home included his birthday as well. So, Mom, Dad and me decided to throw a small party on the occasion.

Having decided to keep it a small affair, we invited only close friends and family. And going as per past experiences, we decided not to divulge the reason of the party to the guests in fear of people going overboard with formalities and gifts. (which eventually turned out to be a big mistake !)

So, on the given date and time, my brother, my cousin and I reached the party hall before the scheduled time to check if everything was in order. Other family members followed us in due course of time. We were sitting there waiting for the guests when I saw my eccentric friend trying to find his way in through the glass door. Once he discovered which way the door opened, he came straight towards us with a strange expression on his face.

“OK. So it really is Chicks’ birthday… ?!?!”

“Huh ???” I questioned him.

“When I asked about the way to the hall, the guy at the reception told me about the birthday party. Darn… I thought it was your engagement !!!” He complained.

We all burst into laughter while the expression on his face changed to a more disappointed look. I introduced him to some snacks which took his mind off his silly thoughts and brought an expectant smile on his face.

Soon, people started trickling in and before long, the hall was buzzing with life. I was busy with some animated discussion with my friend when I sensed a hand on my shoulder. I turned to find my uncle (one of Mom’s cousins) standing with a strange smile on his face. I touched his feet while he started…

“Many congratulations ! I have been waiting for this day since so long…” He exclaimed.

“No no. Uncle, it’s Chicks’…” I tried to intervene.

“I’m always right. I told your mom that you’ll be getting married within a year. Ask her if you don’t believe me.” His smile had turned to a big grin.

“You what… ??” I suddenly realized what he was getting on to.

“Uncle, it’s Chicks’ birthday. Not my engagement !” I informed him trying to force a smile on my face.

His mouth was still open when he got this bit of news from me. It remained open except that no more sound emerged from it now.

“There he is.” I pointed out to my brother and turned towards my friends, saving him (and probably myself) any more embarrassment.

I was still thinking about the funny side of it when I saw my aunt (my Dad’s elder cousin) and her husband entering the hall. I quickly rushed to them and had barely touched their feet when she asked…

“Where’s the girl ?”

“What girl ???” I snapped back.

“You’ll never change. I’ll have to ask your mom.” She suddenly spotted my Mom and walked away to meet her ignoring me as if I was the last person on the earth she wanted to talk to at the moment. I now wondered whether it would have been better to let everyone know about the occasion of the party.

I was still watching my aunt’s changing expressions as she talked to my Mom when someone poked me from the back. I turned around to find my youngest aunt with her husband. She quickly stuffed an envelope in my pocket and whispered…

“You didn’t tell me ha… ??? Who’s the lucky girl ??? She’s your batch mate, right ??? See, I always knew. However hard you try to hide, you cannot get away !!!”

And stepping back she then said. “Sorry I got late. They weren’t ready to let me leave the office until I told them it’s my nephew’s engagement. So here I am !!!”

I could feel myself fuming from the ears. And I’m pretty much sure that the changing colors of my face would have given me away if the hall was a bit brightly lit. As the crowd kept getting bigger, every third person would walk up to me to congratulate me and bless the ‘girl’… whoever she was. And I was getting paranoid by the passing second.

It had got to such a point where my thinking brain started getting suspicious. Once long ago, I had read in a mystery novel, where a secret agent is taught by his tutors that there is no such thing as co-incidence. If you keep bumping into the same person or same situations, better run for your life. I now assessed the possibilities of a conspiracy. As I had already made it clear in the past to all of my extended family that they would be left with an absconding boy if they ever tried to force me into an arranged marriage, this would be an ideal trap by them to nail me.

And by now I was concentrating on each group of guests that entered. I had already assessed the best routes of escape if I spotted a bunch of strangers entering the hall accompanying a young girl. My senses were on high alert, ready for action at the required moment.

My already tensed mind was suddenly disturbed by my Dad’s booming voice which announced to the guests the occasion of my brother’s birthday and invited them to the cake-cutting ceremony. On a reflex, I sighed a sigh of relief and wiped the sweat on my forehead as I went to find a glass of chilled water.

But on my way I was stopped by another eccentric friend of mine who had just entered the hall with his wife holding a big bunch of roses. With his usual big grin he shook me by the hand and asked…

“Where’s Bhabhi ?”

“Oh you know how hot it is today… ?” I said in a serious tone.

“Yes. So hot.” He agreed.

“You see that swimming pool down there… ?” I pointed to the north-east direction.

“Yes.” He replied straining his neck towards the direction I had pointed.

“Well… she was feeling too hot. So she decided to cool off in the pool till all the guests have arrived.” I said and moved on.

(Image courtesy : Google Images)

Autumn Equinox...

It’s not often that at the stroke of midnight, I find myself relishing a full serving of hot biryani for dinner…


And being treated with with Forlan at his very best for Inter Milan in an action-packed game live on tv…


And with my phone to my ear, hearing two girls sing “Happy Birthday to you…” simultaneously over a conference call…

I couldn’t have asked for a much better start to the Autumn Equinox, could I ??? :D :D :D

Hope to finish it off with a grand dinner by the time the day ends ! (That’s the most I look forward to every day in life. :P :D Why worry about the future ? :-) )

P.S. : Equinoxes are the two days of the year when the day and night are closest to being equal. In more technical terms, the day when the sunrise and the sunset are closest to being exactly twelve hours apart.

(Image courtesy : Google Images)

Shaadi ke Side Effects....

It was just the other day, while reading Pooja’s ‘Reflections on Indian Marriage’ (the featured post on the latest issue of ‘Kadzilla’s Lounge’), that I had to log off and rush in search for some fresh air. Those who know me very closely would vouch for the fact that I don’t just grab at my throat, cry out for help and make a dash for the open spaces unless I’m seriously stirred.

And that was what the problem was with the piece of text I had just read. It was superbly written on a topic that touches a rather sensitive spot in my mind. The feeling of Déjà vu quickly took me to the very first day (rather night) of 2010 AD.

We had just finished partying for the Birthday of our close friend. (I had always found it interesting how he chose ‘New Year’s Day’ to sneak into the world to torment us all for the rest of our lives with his dumb questions, until I was enlightened by the fact that since he had been born and brought up in some remote village, no one actually remembered his real birth date. So they decided what better a day to choose for the same than 1st of January !)

So I was just dropping him home that foggy night when he asked me to pop in for a few minutes as usual. We were greeted by his elder brother at the door and were lead in through the side door into the house that looked asleep already. But to my surprise, we were led to his brother’s bedroom, the contents of which looked as follows…

1. His dad sitting right in the middle of the large bed, with an assortment of packets and papers around him, deep in some pensive thought.
2. His mom on a chair by the bed, with her face supported by a hand, looking at his dad who was deep in some pensive thought.
3. His ‘bhabhi’ (elder brother’s wife) sitting at the edge of the bed, fidgeting with what looked like the remote of the television.
4. His four year old nephew, who was sitting beside his dad (my friend’s dad, not his own dad as his dad, (the nephew’s dad, not my friend’s dad who was sitting on the bed in a pensive mood) was standing with us), and was trying to load his toy gun.

At the site of us entering the room, the various reactions I got were as follows…

1. His dad looked up, nodded at me, and again looked down going back to his deep thoughts.
2. His mom, straightened up, smiled, and then again went back to supporting her face on her hand and looking at his dad.
3. His ‘bhabhi’ turned towards us, smiled too, and went back to the fidgeting.
4. The little kid didn’t even bother to look up. For him the loading of the gun was of utmost importance lest he would be left wanting if he decided to shoot me.

All in all, something serious. I was provided with a chair and I tentatively sat down on it after touching the parents’ feet as my friend’s brother took his place on the bed as well. It was then, when suddenly, his dad became lively and stated that it was much better now as I was there too. What for, I didn’t know yet. He then asked the lady with the remote to switch the television on. So I guessed we were going to have a show of some new movie.

But to my surprise, as the screen came to life, there were no colorful or animated scenes to be seen. Instead, I saw a list of folders just as one sees on a computer screen. And then a girl’s photograph beamed on the screen… And then, I had to actually pinch myself to believe, what my friend’s dad said to me, if he actually said that…

“We are rating the proposals of girls for Sanju (my friend). We should have a variety in opinion. So you also rate the girls as you think. Then we’ll match everyone’s list. That’ll make it easier to decide on the prospective brides.”

All I remember that I mumbled then was… ^&%%#%& ………….. !?!?!?? while my face turned a few shades of pink.

I looked at my friend who was now imitating his mom and was sitting on a chair besides me holding his face in his hand. “You should ask Sanju. No ?? He’s the one who’ll decide the girl. No ??” was all I could say as my senses started returning to me.

“Ohh… No no. Let’s have everyone’s opinion. Not his alone.” His dad replied handing me a paper and pencil. “Just rate them in decreasing order of preference.”

I turned to look at my friend. The bloke wasn’t even given a paper or pencil. And there he was… smiling behind his palm which hid his mouth. Without letting me think of anything else to say, the slideshow on the screen started. With the picture of each girl that appeared, the lighter shades of pink disappeared from my face which turned to newer shades of red.

With each new picture, everyone commented upon their likes and dislikes about the girl on screen. Except of course, my friend’s mom, who as always the simple and quiet lady, just smiled and looked, and my friend, who kept smiling behind his hand, and the little kid, who by now had started on deciding who the targets for his shooting practice would be.

“I really like this girl !” His brother would say suddenly in between. Which would invariably evoke an “Ehhh… ????” from his wife as she would look back and give him a really good stare. Which would lead him to try to explain the merits of the prospective bride, while sweating from the sides of his head even on that freezing night.

I’d better skip the details of more conversation to save myself from some really embarrassing memories. But in the end, the results were far from a consensus. The dad didn’t like the nose of the girl topping the ‘bhabhi’s’ list, while ‘Girl no. 1’ of the brother’s list didn’t even find a place in his wife’s list. In a nutshell, quite a useless exercise as now, the differences in opinion made everyone even more confused.

Though I could hardly concentrate on the pictures on the screen, as I was more concerned about the new shade of color which my face would be displaying, I just peeked into ‘bhaiya’s’ list and copied names. Only that I listed them in an altogether different random order. My racing mind, after quickly assessing the situation, was swift to thus make a list of my own which matched nobody else’s, thereby adding to the confusion there already was.

I handed in my list to my friend’s dad, threw in the proverbial towel and got up to leave without waiting to hear the declaration of the results. I once again touched the parents’ feet and made a dash out into the foggy night. And as my friend came to see me off he commented how I would have to pass through a similar procedure when I get married too. It was partly because of the big grin he now had and more so because I didn’t think it would be the best idea to punch a guy on his nose on his Birthday (even if it is a symbolic one), that I just bid him a good night and slammed myself inside my car.

Coming back to Pooja’s article about arranged marriages in India, it’s not only a harrowing experience for the bride or groom in search but sometimes also for even those not remotely related to the event.

It is not just the choice of the person planning to get married but also every near and dear and not so near and not so dear ones as well. It is as if, a person’s life partner should be acceptable not only to him or her, but also to their families, relatives, friends, friends of friends, neighbors, neighbors’ relatives, neighbors’ friends and almost everyone they know or even do not know.

The bride, or the groom (like my friend in the case mentioned above) are happy to accept what is acceptable and finalized by everyone else. And so has been happening for generations in our country and our society. And surprisingly, everyone seems to be happy with the procedures followed.

But, as for me, it is not only the bride or the groom, but sometimes even people who aren't even involved in it all are the ones who bear the side effects of an Indian wedding.

In the second part of this post that’s coming up, I’ll relate to my very own experiences about attempts of me being forcefully made a prospective groom…. Huh…

And, by the way, finally the prospective bride for my friend has been selected. And she is the same girl whom I had put at no. 1 in my list…………

Birthday Bashings...

The other day I called up my friend to wish him a happy birthday. The pleasantries having been delivered, I ended the call not before he had promised me a nice big dinner in the near future. Of course, it couldn’t be managed that very evening owing to the fact of those 500 something kilometers that separated us.

I was still fancying about the prospects of that future dinner treat when I found myself going back in the past to relive some of the birthday parties I had been part of.

Back in the times of good old school days, birthday parties were eagerly anticipated events. The usual course of events being, a small treat at the school canteen for all classmates, followed by the main event at the “B’Day person’s’ house. The usual games, the dance (of which I was never a part), cutting of the cake and then the mouth watering food.

But things have changed drastically with time.

I was witness to these changes quite often during my college days. Any person who has spent some part of his or her life in a hostel (or for that matter, living away from home with mates) wouldn’t be a stranger to what I’m talking about.

As per my experiences in college, a birthday was nothing short of a catastrophe, a calamity that had to be faced once every year. People take birthdays to be a sort of "PAYBACK DAY". Giving vent to all their emotions for the 'B’Day guy'.

I remember one of such experiences on the birthday of my batch mate who lived in the room opposite to mine. It was the night before his birthday. It was all peace and calm in the hostel. But only till the clock struck 12. And suddenly people started to appear from all corners and converged to the door opposite mine. Just as suddenly as a large population of ants, appear out of nowhere and converge at a point, when the word is out that a fresh source of sweets is there for the taking.

The poor guy answered the knocks on his door (well, not really knocks but thumps which would bring the door down if not answered pretty quickly) with a smile. It was a smile, but one which, I guess would be on the face of some prisoner of war just as he gets ready to be taken to the gallows.

The ceremony started with the nearest of friends giving him hugs. But somewhere in the middle of the second hug, he simply vanished. And the next moment he was dangling in mid-air. Some people grabbed his wrists and the others grabbed his ankles. While all the others rushed to get the best strategic position around him.

And then they began to hurl him up into the air and down again. Just as I had seen some washer men do to dry some big piece of cloth while at the pond. The so called ‘birthday bumps’ which are considered to be the ritual without which no birthday is considered complete….

The total number of bumps corresponded to the number of birthdays the guy had celebrated. But what shocked me was that with each heave, all the people standing around him, kicked his back with all their might. Some clever ones had even come prepared with thick-soled boots for that very purpose. And with each kick, his cries of agony drowned in the shouts of the people whose mercy he was at.

According to his age, 20 something bumps were what he was to be subjected to. But as they counted 22 or 23, someone shouted that they had missed the correct count…. And that it had to be started again. That was when I had to intervene. Thankfully, for the guy, they let him down on the floor, wincing in pain, but still managing a smile. He had to smile. After all, it was his birthday…

Then someone got a rather innovative idea. He went and fetched a bucket full of water. And as expected (unexpected for me), the contents of that bucket were emptied on the birthday-boy who was still lying on the floor trying to feel for his back. Maybe that was a well meant idea to relieve some of his pain. But I didn’t really believe that pouring cold water on a beaten up guy past midnight was an act intended to alleviate his pain.

They even had a good mind to cover him up with a blanket or sheet and let go at him once again. But I don’t know what made them have mercy on the poor guy.

This was and is not an isolated incident. Birthdays, today, are ‘celebrated’ on these very lines and sometimes on even worse ones. But I’m really at a loss to understand the fun behind it all. Ok, if you need to take out your hard feelings on someone, you have all of the 364 days of the year to do that. Why not leave that one day for him or her to enjoy in the true sense.

Is it just because on the birthday, the ‘B’Day’ guy or girl has to accept whatever behavior that is meted out by the so called friends as a gesture of good wishes ? Come on…. Since when did you need to kick a person black and blue to wish him your good wishes ??

I guess this is a case of give and take. The very person being kicked on his birthday tolerates the torture maybe because surely before the next 365 days, he would get a chance to ‘Payback’ all of it to all his friends on their birthdays. But still I cannot get myself to reason with this madness.

Another aspect which makes me go crazy is the ‘Birthday Cake’. Isn’t the cake there to be decorated, cut and then eaten ? They decorate and cut it alright. But what happens about the eating bit ?? I simply fail to understand the fun behind smudging the face of the ‘B’Day guy’ with the cake. Well, if it is that funny, why not get one of those dummy cakes they have in movies which they throw at each other’s faces.

I don’t know if chocolate or vanilla cakes taste even better when applied to the face rather than let the tongue do the tasting. The scenes which I have witnessed regarding the fates of birthday cakes have led to my sufficient dislike to them.

Gone are the days when we had good clean fun and enjoyment along with the yummiest of food on birthdays. Now, birthdays are celebrated in strange ways. And strangely enough, people tend to like them too.

Thankfully for me, I never had the experience to ‘celebrate’ my birthday at the hostel. I know someone people would say that I've missed a great experience. But personally, I would rather give it a miss....

And never did I taste my birthday cake through my face. But it’s a ritual that has spread all around now. As the picture below suggests….