Wait Till SHE Comes...

“I’m not eating this…” I exclaimed to Mom while pointing to the serving of a particular vegetable on my dinner plate with the spoon.

In fact, my demeanor wouldn’t have been much different had I been turning away a half decomposed dead lizard with a stick.

With all due respects to all the vegetarians out there, but there are more fingers in my right hand than the number of vegetables I find palatable. And the present scenario was no exception.

I had barely made my point regarding my dislike towards the sample of food when Mom declared – “Just wait till she comes…”.

Hearing that sentence has always made me wince. And it made me wince again. For those of my new readers who still haven’t understood what that sentence means, well, it is actually a warning used on me with reference to my better half who is still missing from the scheme of things in my life.

Now, there are a lot of things that people dislike. Each one of us has a lot of personal preferences regarding small things of everyday life. And sometimes people expect us to change our habits or preferences according to their liking.

But coming to the logic (or the lack of it) in the ‘threat’ that I’m often subjected to, why in the world would I want to marry someone whose sole purpose in life seems to be to make me do all the things I dislike.

Be it my finicky food habits, my preferences in clothes, my love for sleep, the (dis)arrangement of stuff in my room, my dislike towards shopping or even my resentment towards tea, I’m repeatedly warned to mend my ways before ‘she’ arrives.

In other words I’m always in the process of being groomed to make me suitable enough for marriage.

And then they expect me to show some interest in getting married ! Really…

I mean you can’t just scare a kid by telling him ghost-stories about a dark room and then push him to go and sleep in that very room. Doesn’t work.

What I really don’t get is that why would anyone want to be with someone for life who wants to change their likes and dislikes to their own liking. The other day I was reading Red Handed’s post on how girls in India are continuously under a grooming process for their life in the husband’s home after marriage. As if a girl should have no personal identity of her own and shouldn’t have any personal preferences in how she wants to lead her life.

But it is not too different for unmarried males as well who are under the continuous pressure to act, dress, eat, sleep (and shop) in certain ways that would attract a prospective bride.

And then they are continuously warned that marriage is actually the turning point in their lives after which all the ‘faults’ in their personality will be checked and corrected by none other than their future wife.

Why would I ever want to change anything about my life partner ? She may have her own preferences in food, clothing and lifestyle in general. Sounds silly to change the qualities and hence the identity of the very person you like. The same logic applies the other way round.

But still, I’m continuously subjected to those threatening words – “Wait till she comes…” !

If only they knew that she is not bothered about changing any of those things about me… :-)

Almost Engaged... !!!

I wonder if you ever found yourself in a situation which, while being funny, left you pretty much shaken and gasping for air. Well, I managed to find myself in one such situation last weekend.

As my younger brother was visiting home after six months we all were really excited. And to top it, his short trip to home included his birthday as well. So, Mom, Dad and me decided to throw a small party on the occasion.

Having decided to keep it a small affair, we invited only close friends and family. And going as per past experiences, we decided not to divulge the reason of the party to the guests in fear of people going overboard with formalities and gifts. (which eventually turned out to be a big mistake !)

So, on the given date and time, my brother, my cousin and I reached the party hall before the scheduled time to check if everything was in order. Other family members followed us in due course of time. We were sitting there waiting for the guests when I saw my eccentric friend trying to find his way in through the glass door. Once he discovered which way the door opened, he came straight towards us with a strange expression on his face.

“OK. So it really is Chicks’ birthday… ?!?!”

“Huh ???” I questioned him.

“When I asked about the way to the hall, the guy at the reception told me about the birthday party. Darn… I thought it was your engagement !!!” He complained.

We all burst into laughter while the expression on his face changed to a more disappointed look. I introduced him to some snacks which took his mind off his silly thoughts and brought an expectant smile on his face.

Soon, people started trickling in and before long, the hall was buzzing with life. I was busy with some animated discussion with my friend when I sensed a hand on my shoulder. I turned to find my uncle (one of Mom’s cousins) standing with a strange smile on his face. I touched his feet while he started…

“Many congratulations ! I have been waiting for this day since so long…” He exclaimed.

“No no. Uncle, it’s Chicks’…” I tried to intervene.

“I’m always right. I told your mom that you’ll be getting married within a year. Ask her if you don’t believe me.” His smile had turned to a big grin.

“You what… ??” I suddenly realized what he was getting on to.

“Uncle, it’s Chicks’ birthday. Not my engagement !” I informed him trying to force a smile on my face.

His mouth was still open when he got this bit of news from me. It remained open except that no more sound emerged from it now.

“There he is.” I pointed out to my brother and turned towards my friends, saving him (and probably myself) any more embarrassment.

I was still thinking about the funny side of it when I saw my aunt (my Dad’s elder cousin) and her husband entering the hall. I quickly rushed to them and had barely touched their feet when she asked…

“Where’s the girl ?”

“What girl ???” I snapped back.

“You’ll never change. I’ll have to ask your mom.” She suddenly spotted my Mom and walked away to meet her ignoring me as if I was the last person on the earth she wanted to talk to at the moment. I now wondered whether it would have been better to let everyone know about the occasion of the party.

I was still watching my aunt’s changing expressions as she talked to my Mom when someone poked me from the back. I turned around to find my youngest aunt with her husband. She quickly stuffed an envelope in my pocket and whispered…

“You didn’t tell me ha… ??? Who’s the lucky girl ??? She’s your batch mate, right ??? See, I always knew. However hard you try to hide, you cannot get away !!!”

And stepping back she then said. “Sorry I got late. They weren’t ready to let me leave the office until I told them it’s my nephew’s engagement. So here I am !!!”

I could feel myself fuming from the ears. And I’m pretty much sure that the changing colors of my face would have given me away if the hall was a bit brightly lit. As the crowd kept getting bigger, every third person would walk up to me to congratulate me and bless the ‘girl’… whoever she was. And I was getting paranoid by the passing second.

It had got to such a point where my thinking brain started getting suspicious. Once long ago, I had read in a mystery novel, where a secret agent is taught by his tutors that there is no such thing as co-incidence. If you keep bumping into the same person or same situations, better run for your life. I now assessed the possibilities of a conspiracy. As I had already made it clear in the past to all of my extended family that they would be left with an absconding boy if they ever tried to force me into an arranged marriage, this would be an ideal trap by them to nail me.

And by now I was concentrating on each group of guests that entered. I had already assessed the best routes of escape if I spotted a bunch of strangers entering the hall accompanying a young girl. My senses were on high alert, ready for action at the required moment.

My already tensed mind was suddenly disturbed by my Dad’s booming voice which announced to the guests the occasion of my brother’s birthday and invited them to the cake-cutting ceremony. On a reflex, I sighed a sigh of relief and wiped the sweat on my forehead as I went to find a glass of chilled water.

But on my way I was stopped by another eccentric friend of mine who had just entered the hall with his wife holding a big bunch of roses. With his usual big grin he shook me by the hand and asked…

“Where’s Bhabhi ?”

“Oh you know how hot it is today… ?” I said in a serious tone.

“Yes. So hot.” He agreed.

“You see that swimming pool down there… ?” I pointed to the north-east direction.

“Yes.” He replied straining his neck towards the direction I had pointed.

“Well… she was feeling too hot. So she decided to cool off in the pool till all the guests have arrived.” I said and moved on.

(Image courtesy : Google Images)

A Mother India without Daughters...

I had drafted this post a while ago, but somehow I delayed it as I felt I still had some fine points to add to it. And by some strange co-incidence, I saw the first episode of the show ‘Satyamev Jayate’ before publishing this. So it made it easier for me to add the points which I had left earlier in writing this piece.

While reading the latest anthropological data of India (for my upcoming exams), I wasn’t at all surprised to find the child sex ratio dip further to a mere 914. Ok, the gender of a baby is based on a 50-50 probability. But such a vast gender difference cannot be attributed to probability alone. And as we all know, female feticide is the main reason for this appalling sex ratio.  

Thinking of it, I wondered why do people even consider such a crime for the want of a male child. And after going through my observations of people and some absolutely ridiculous mindsets throughout my life, I could list the following reasons for the prevalence of female feticide in India.

1. The want of a male child to continue the so called ‘vansh’.
2. A male child would ensure more earning hands in a family with low economic background.
3. A male child would ensure that the parents are cared for in their old age.
4. A female child would require saving money all life for her wedding. That includes the dowry to be given along with.
5. Even before the marriage of a female child and forever after that, her parents and family would have to live a life of humbleness and humility in relation to her husband and his family.
6. A female child would require taking extra care regarding the family’s honor and respect.
7. Ladies under the influence of some unsaid comparative competition between themselves take pride in their daughter-in-laws having a male child.
8. Women themselves want a male child under some delusion of it being a sort of redemption in the eyes of their husband and in-laws.

Here is what I feel about each of the above points I mentioned.

1. Pedigree. Do people actually know about their ancestors four or five generations ago ? If they don’t even know whose family tree they are so keen to expand, what’s this big issue about the family lineage ?
2. Yes, that does hold true for some (if not most) underprivileged families. But I’ve seen it usually backfiring. I can recount at least half a dozen cases which have two or more male children (who were obviously expected to help in the family’s earnings), but still, they are the ones who do nothing while the girl children of the family are burdened with the family’s earnings. If that’s the case, then shouldn’t it be the other way round ? Having more girl children to increase the family’s earnings. But either way, it’s simply ridiculous.
3. Does a son always ensure taking care of his old parents when they get old ? Don’t we find sons at war to grab the parents’ property instead of taking care of them ? Not that it is a generalization, but how can it be a surety and a reason to want a male son too ?
4. That is one of the main reasons for female feticide in most of India. As soon as a girl is born, her parents start worrying about saving money for her wedding. And if she is the second or third girl child, then the very aim of the parents’ life becomes that to marry off their daughters. And the dowry included actually seems to be the price they have to pay to marry off their daughters. That’s why I’ve always felt that the very concept of a wedding should be discarded. A wedding is the ultimate ghastly event (for a girl’s parents/family) for which the girl suffers all her life before and then all her life after.  
5. Something utterly preposterous I’ve seen and experienced is that how the girl’s parents and family treat her husband and in-laws with folded hands and bowed heads as if they were something divine just because they are their daughter’s in-laws. I’ve seen fathers of girls who were getting married tolerate absolute rogue-ness from the groom’s family before, during and after the wedding. What advantage exactly does being a groom or his family have over that of the bride ? Why should only the girl’s family bear all the expenses of the wedding and not divide it equally between the two families ? Why does a girl’s family feel helpless even after the girl being subjected to torture after her marriage ? What exactly is this outrageous mindset so strongly built in Indian families ?
6. A girl’s family is always tensed about their family’s ‘honor’ that is idiotically related to their girl and her life. In India, a family’s so called honor and respect is ascertained by how their daughter lives her life. What she does. How she dresses. Whom she befriends. Where she goes. But the same family wouldn’t have a care in the world if they have a son. No matter what he does in his life, it never concerns the honor of the family.
7. It is not just the males of the society, but even the highly educated females who go berserk for want of a male child in their family. A lady would want the extreme love and respect from her son, but would never allow him to do the same with his wife. Recently, in my very close acquaintance, I came to know of a case where a reputed lady doctor forced her son to torture his newly wed wife to unbelievable extent so that she wouldn’t be able to pursue her higher education. I guess such females want a son so that in future they are in a position to torture another helpless female through their sadist fantasies.
8. This one, though sounding absolutely ghastly, is actually true in most cases where young women yearn for a male child in order to get into the good books of their husband and in-laws. Being a female themselves, they don’t even think about the fact that they are ridiculing their own self. Women who disown their daughters just because they wanted a son should not have the right to motherhood. One can’t abuse motherhood once and enjoy it another time.

And I wouldn’t forget the role of doctors in carrying out such a ghastly crime as female feticide. Considering that most gynaecologists in India are females, it is absolutely shocking how females can themselves be so heartless while murdering unborn females. Being from the Med field myself, I hope that such criminals be brought to justice soon.

We all are so worked up against corruption in India recently. But is monetary corruption all that we can care for ? Is anyone concerned about this act of corruption at the level of one’s soul that has been happening since long and still carrying on freely ? Would we come forward together in a war against female feticide just as people did in the war against corruption ?

I have my doubts…

(Image courtesy : Google Images)

Matrimon(e)y Shopping...

Just the other night I was in the midst of my ‘happy hour’ of the day. Diving into my dinner plate while surfacing in between to check the ‘Newshour’ on ‘Times Now’. And so, it wouldn’t be wrong to say that I felt immensely disturbed as I heard the sound of my phone ringing. Irritated, I fumbled with the phone and pressed the green key.

“Hullo ?!?”

“Hi. What’s up ?” It was my rather eccentric friend on the other end.

“Ohh. How are you ?”

“Fine. You say.”

“Fine too. What’s news ?”

“No news. Just called.”

My sense suddenly shifted gears and went on to the sixth. This guy wouldn’t ever call at such an hour to ‘just call’.

“OK. Come on. Out with it !!!” I exclaimed.

“Well…….”

“Who ? How ?? When ??? Don’t tell me you are getting married !”

“Well…….”

So it had finally happened. The most awaited wicket had finally fallen. With almost all my other batch mates having bitten the dust, we all were keenly waiting for this piece of news. Betting each other if this was really possible in this very world. This weird fellow, taking the path to matrimony was one of the most laughed about imaginations amongst our batch. And now it was going to be true.

“You see…” he began. “It was rather a lucky thing. Though I didn’t want a doctor girl, and she’s a Pathologist, but it’s fine since she’s not a clinician. And secondly, she’s from my own city. And most importantly, her dad is a Pediatrician and her mom is a Gynaecologist. So I have all the main departments in my upcoming hospital taken care of !”

And then he grinned. Though I didn’t see him grin, I knew him well enough to know that he was grinning right then. As if I could hear him grinning.

“I’ve also found a girl for you.” He continued.

“Ok. Keep her safe. I’ll collect her when I come there next time.” I replied.

“No. Seriously. What type of a girl do you want ? A medico ? Or a non-medico ??” He was persistent.

“Neither a medico, nor a non-medico !!!” I was beginning to lose it by this time.

“Ohhh. So you’d want an engineer… ?” It suddenly seemed to beam to him. And that was when I burst out laughing. And I was soon into fits of laughter as he further tried to describe how a non-medico was the term used for a housewife and things to that effect.

Putting that incident aside, I really wonder how we, in India, literally shop for a spouse. I mean, just talk to any budding groom or his family. They are absolutely clear about what they are looking for in a bride. Apart from the age old caste/fair/tall/English-speaking/etc. people are not only concerned about the girl being working or not but also very specific about the job she does. Some prefer a girl with a job while others opt for a homely housewife. They look for all the required specifications to be met just as they would buy a consumer product.


In other words, a working girl would mean an extra source of income into the household. It is even better if her job is complementary to that of her husband’s. So that they can easily setup a combined establishment.

On the other hand, a homely housewife would be expected to take care of the home and kids. And actually, without even being paid for it. The guy doesn’t really need a soul mate. He simply needs a working hand at home without any additional cost.

In fact, I have been witness to a case where the match couldn’t work out because the groom’s family had a problem with the prospective bride’s work hours. She was supposed to be at work during hours when they needed her to be at home.

In my own field of doctors (including many of my batch mates) I’ve seen a surgeon wanting a gynaec. wife. A pathologist wanting a pathologist. And so on. And some of my friends have tried to reason with me by telling me that one has to be practical. So one needs to know what’s best for oneself.

So, just as one has all the specifications for a much needed product in mind, before he goes out to shop for it, similarly it’s the case with arranged marriages in India. People have a clear list of requirements at hand before they go out to shop for a bride or a groom. In fact, marriage is just another necessity to fulfill life’s requirements as one spends his or her life. And such people usually follow the principle of ‘love what you get rather than get what you love’.

How can someone marry just to fulfill some needs in life which are invariably related to money ? And thus chooses a life partner who’d be a help in the fulfillment of those monetary gains ?? It boggles my mind !

So, it’s no wonder when some of my aunts, who are distant relatives of some of my other aunts, are busy spreading the word around to look out for ‘doctor brides’ for me.

If only they all knew… I HATE SHOPPING !!!

Sigh…

(Image courtesy : Google Images)

Band, Baaja & Baraat...

BOOM !!!

The loud explosion brought me back to life seeming only to make my heart stop and send me right back to a lifeless world.

I had just drifted into a light sleep the other night, snuggled comfortably inside the warm quilt when I was almost thrown off the edge of my bed by the sudden explosion. As a reflex, I pulled the quilt over the head trying my best not to let any noise disturb my half unconscious mind.

But in doing so, I had unknowingly invited two unwanted guests in the nice confines of the quilt. The two mosquitoes which now hovered right around my ear seemed to be discussing about the best spot to land and have dinner.

I’ve always wondered how mosquitoes never seem to miss buzzing right around the ears before getting down to some serious business. It must be sort of a hear-your-echo spot to hear their voices reflect back from the ear drum just like humans love to do around mountains.

But as I was in no mood of hobnobbing with any tourists right around my ears, and also because the noise from the outer world seemed to increase by the second, I buried my head beneath the pillow. Only to realize soon that it was of no use.

By now, I was almost back to consciousness as I poked my head out to look at the screen of my laptop besides me which showed it to be 1:35 at night. And the thumping in my head appeared to have a rhythm of its own. It was now matching the beats of the ‘Bollywood’ number which was now blaring at full volume through the windows.

So, in a nutshell, all the commotion that disturbed my peaceful soul that cool night was from the wedding taking place at the park next block. Why they chose 1:35 in the night to begin the proceedings was beyond me. Maybe the bride eloped with her ex but changed her mind and returned for the proceedings. Or maybe the groom had to cope with sudden episodes of diarrhea. I couldn’t really guess. But whatever it was, it wasn’t the best time to topple unsuspecting innocent people in deep sleep from the edge of their beds.

The events that carried on late into the night (or morning) had drastic effects on my body clock. I was still drowsy and irritated later in the evening when I remembered that I had to go and receive my uncle and aunt at the railway station. I thought the drive would help my mind a bit, so I drove off with some nice songs playing in my car.

I hadn’t got very far when I was caught in between a rather messy traffic jam. Though the opposite side of the road was as empty as ever, the traffic on my side seemed to be stuck forever. There’s not much one can do when one’s car is stuck in traffic between two cars. So I just sat back and enjoyed the song in the car. But soon, the song seemed add more sounds and voices into it. I turned the knob in order to check whether another station was trying to hijack the one I was listening to.

It was then that I realized that the newer, louder and a lot more distasteful sounds were those emerging from an oncoming ‘Baraat’.



Those who know me well, can vouch for the fact that I’m rather patient with things. But that obviously doesn’t include a ‘Baraat’ full of drunk loonies, with a band making unbearable noises, which moves at a speed of a meter by the hour, with me having nowhere to run and bear the torture from a rather ‘ring-side’ view.

I’ve always wondered why weddings are such big events in Indian society. The following are a few points that come to my mind whenever I wonder so.......


* A wedding is the ultimate event, a chance of a lifetime for people to show off.

* As a groom, it is probably the only chance ever for a good-for-nothing guy to feel like being the king of the world.

* Looking at the lifelong neglect and partial treatment that most girls suffer in a male dominated Indian society, it’s their only chance to hog the limelight.

* A wedding is the best opportunity to get drunk and behave as one’s true character. (specially the groom’s friends and male relatives would agree to that !)

* It is the best opportunity for the groom’s family to be at their obnoxious best and still be treated with utmost respect.

* The bride’s family cannot find a better occasion to showcase their wealth, class and the so-called respect amongst their community.

* It’s a handy chance for people to depict their beliefs/rituals/religiousness. No matter how much the cunning priests benefit from all the blind faith.

* A wedding is the best excuse for people to be let off from work.

* Weddings are the best opportunities for the ‘match-maker’ aunties to do brisk business and fix up forthcoming weddings.

* Weddings are the best way to create public nuisance and still get away without any big hassles. Yes, there are people who enjoy creating nuisance and still feel immune to any action by being part of a wedding.

No wonder India loves big fat weddings. Be it any part of the society, a wedding is the ultimate escape from the hassles of daily life. The big extravaganza provides a release for all the pent-up emotions/aspirations/dreams and all that sort.

I have no problem with arranged marriages. On a nice sunny day and in a good mood, I may even approve of a person’s marriage being arranged. But I just cannot tolerate the nuisance of these Big Fat Indian Weddings !!!

Grrrrrrr…….

Bride & The Prejudiced...

A very familiar scene:

Boy and girl, a very committed couple since long, having a candle-light dinner, with some soft mushy music playing in the background…(obviously!) are lost deep in each other’s eyes, when…

Boy: My princess…
Girl: My angel…
Boy: I love you…
Girl: I love you too…
Boy: Will you marry me?
Girl: Ohhh… YES!!
Boy: Great. Then let’s get you converted…
Girl: …… ??!??!!??!!

Well, maybe it’s not usually as bluntly put as that. Or maybe it is. I don’t really know. But it certainly is put sooner or later before a person decides to marry someone he (or sometimes… she) loves, who belongs to a different religion/caste/community.

And all this while people tell me that the new, young and developing India has moved into the twenty-first century!! (Really?)

Which makes me wonder that why would someone want to change a person he loves! People have simply no issues when they ‘supposedly’ decide to fall in love. No issues still while going around the town dating that someone special. And no issues still more while flaunting their ‘committed’ status on Facebook, Orkut and what not.

But when it comes to actually marrying a person from a different background, issues start appearing from absolutely nowhere. Then is the time when age-old and absolutely pathetic reasons fly out from left, right and center.

We have such different customs and traditions…
My family won’t accept her without getting converted…
We have to answer the society…

Do we ever realize the heights of ridiculous prejudices regarding different communities in our own country, though we see it all around us, everyday of our lives?

My granny’s cousin was so prejudiced against certain communities that she wouldn’t even let such a person anywhere near her kitchen, let alone eat the food prepared by him/her. Unfortunately, she passed away before I could put some of my questions for her to answer.

For any such person prejudiced against other communities, who happily eats food cooked by someone he or she approves, I’d just like to take things back to their origin. Does such a prejudiced person actually know…

• the caste/community/religion of the person who sowed seeds in the farms?
• the caste/community/religion of the person who carried the grain to the crusher?
• the caste/community/religion of the person who crushed the grain into flour?
• the caste/community/religion of the person who packed the flour?
• the caste/community/religion of the person who distributed it to the market?

The answer is a big NO!

We all travel in buses, trains and planes. Do we ever bother to ascertain the caste, community or religion of the driver or pilot? Someone in whose hands we literally put our lives…!!!

Does a person stop sending his/her child to the school because one of the teachers is from a different community? Does a person refuse to do business with someone of the other religion? Does a critically ill patient first ascertain the caste of the doctor on duty?

NO! Because those are our needs! In times of need, we let all our prejudices go into hibernation. Only to appear with renewed vigor when it’s the time for marriage!

And most often, it is the girl who is expected to ‘convert’ if she decides to marry into a different community (though there are many examples otherwise too… as per my own experiences!).

And then I again wonder why such ‘wisdom’ dawns on the individual not once before the talk of marriage. It baffles my mind no end. Are people in a state of illusion or delusion while they are falling in love? Do they imagine their love-interest to be of their own communities? Do they forget all such reasons of ‘wisdom’ while they date?

Why would a sane person try to change anything about someone he or she so dearly loves?

I have actually known people who broke-off their ‘relationship’ (that’s such a big misnomer!) just because the other didn’t agree to convert into their community. I seriously ought to be informed if there’s anything more ridiculous than that.

I would simply ask such people, that “while falling in love with that special person, did you ask your family’s, community’s or the society’s permission? (And did they allow you?) And even if your partner accepts your preposterous demands, wouldn’t you be changing the very identity of the person?

What would be better?

1. A bride who doesn’t convert, but cares for everyone and follows all the customs of her new family as they should be followed.
OR
2. A bride who converts (or is from the same community) but cares for nothing.

We, in India, are brought up on a daily dose of some outrageous prejudices regarding different communities. Though in unspoken terms, we are also taught to forget all such prejudices in times of materialistic needs. But as it is said, ‘Love is blind’, one becomes blind while falling in love.

I so dearly wish that love was deaf as well, so that all such ridiculous talks from our society wouldn’t affect lovers' ears…

Picture Credits: Google Images

Shaadi ke Side Effects....

It was just the other day, while reading Pooja’s ‘Reflections on Indian Marriage’ (the featured post on the latest issue of ‘Kadzilla’s Lounge’), that I had to log off and rush in search for some fresh air. Those who know me very closely would vouch for the fact that I don’t just grab at my throat, cry out for help and make a dash for the open spaces unless I’m seriously stirred.

And that was what the problem was with the piece of text I had just read. It was superbly written on a topic that touches a rather sensitive spot in my mind. The feeling of Déjà vu quickly took me to the very first day (rather night) of 2010 AD.

We had just finished partying for the Birthday of our close friend. (I had always found it interesting how he chose ‘New Year’s Day’ to sneak into the world to torment us all for the rest of our lives with his dumb questions, until I was enlightened by the fact that since he had been born and brought up in some remote village, no one actually remembered his real birth date. So they decided what better a day to choose for the same than 1st of January !)

So I was just dropping him home that foggy night when he asked me to pop in for a few minutes as usual. We were greeted by his elder brother at the door and were lead in through the side door into the house that looked asleep already. But to my surprise, we were led to his brother’s bedroom, the contents of which looked as follows…

1. His dad sitting right in the middle of the large bed, with an assortment of packets and papers around him, deep in some pensive thought.
2. His mom on a chair by the bed, with her face supported by a hand, looking at his dad who was deep in some pensive thought.
3. His ‘bhabhi’ (elder brother’s wife) sitting at the edge of the bed, fidgeting with what looked like the remote of the television.
4. His four year old nephew, who was sitting beside his dad (my friend’s dad, not his own dad as his dad, (the nephew’s dad, not my friend’s dad who was sitting on the bed in a pensive mood) was standing with us), and was trying to load his toy gun.

At the site of us entering the room, the various reactions I got were as follows…

1. His dad looked up, nodded at me, and again looked down going back to his deep thoughts.
2. His mom, straightened up, smiled, and then again went back to supporting her face on her hand and looking at his dad.
3. His ‘bhabhi’ turned towards us, smiled too, and went back to the fidgeting.
4. The little kid didn’t even bother to look up. For him the loading of the gun was of utmost importance lest he would be left wanting if he decided to shoot me.

All in all, something serious. I was provided with a chair and I tentatively sat down on it after touching the parents’ feet as my friend’s brother took his place on the bed as well. It was then, when suddenly, his dad became lively and stated that it was much better now as I was there too. What for, I didn’t know yet. He then asked the lady with the remote to switch the television on. So I guessed we were going to have a show of some new movie.

But to my surprise, as the screen came to life, there were no colorful or animated scenes to be seen. Instead, I saw a list of folders just as one sees on a computer screen. And then a girl’s photograph beamed on the screen… And then, I had to actually pinch myself to believe, what my friend’s dad said to me, if he actually said that…

“We are rating the proposals of girls for Sanju (my friend). We should have a variety in opinion. So you also rate the girls as you think. Then we’ll match everyone’s list. That’ll make it easier to decide on the prospective brides.”

All I remember that I mumbled then was… ^&%%#%& ………….. !?!?!?? while my face turned a few shades of pink.

I looked at my friend who was now imitating his mom and was sitting on a chair besides me holding his face in his hand. “You should ask Sanju. No ?? He’s the one who’ll decide the girl. No ??” was all I could say as my senses started returning to me.

“Ohh… No no. Let’s have everyone’s opinion. Not his alone.” His dad replied handing me a paper and pencil. “Just rate them in decreasing order of preference.”

I turned to look at my friend. The bloke wasn’t even given a paper or pencil. And there he was… smiling behind his palm which hid his mouth. Without letting me think of anything else to say, the slideshow on the screen started. With the picture of each girl that appeared, the lighter shades of pink disappeared from my face which turned to newer shades of red.

With each new picture, everyone commented upon their likes and dislikes about the girl on screen. Except of course, my friend’s mom, who as always the simple and quiet lady, just smiled and looked, and my friend, who kept smiling behind his hand, and the little kid, who by now had started on deciding who the targets for his shooting practice would be.

“I really like this girl !” His brother would say suddenly in between. Which would invariably evoke an “Ehhh… ????” from his wife as she would look back and give him a really good stare. Which would lead him to try to explain the merits of the prospective bride, while sweating from the sides of his head even on that freezing night.

I’d better skip the details of more conversation to save myself from some really embarrassing memories. But in the end, the results were far from a consensus. The dad didn’t like the nose of the girl topping the ‘bhabhi’s’ list, while ‘Girl no. 1’ of the brother’s list didn’t even find a place in his wife’s list. In a nutshell, quite a useless exercise as now, the differences in opinion made everyone even more confused.

Though I could hardly concentrate on the pictures on the screen, as I was more concerned about the new shade of color which my face would be displaying, I just peeked into ‘bhaiya’s’ list and copied names. Only that I listed them in an altogether different random order. My racing mind, after quickly assessing the situation, was swift to thus make a list of my own which matched nobody else’s, thereby adding to the confusion there already was.

I handed in my list to my friend’s dad, threw in the proverbial towel and got up to leave without waiting to hear the declaration of the results. I once again touched the parents’ feet and made a dash out into the foggy night. And as my friend came to see me off he commented how I would have to pass through a similar procedure when I get married too. It was partly because of the big grin he now had and more so because I didn’t think it would be the best idea to punch a guy on his nose on his Birthday (even if it is a symbolic one), that I just bid him a good night and slammed myself inside my car.

Coming back to Pooja’s article about arranged marriages in India, it’s not only a harrowing experience for the bride or groom in search but sometimes also for even those not remotely related to the event.

It is not just the choice of the person planning to get married but also every near and dear and not so near and not so dear ones as well. It is as if, a person’s life partner should be acceptable not only to him or her, but also to their families, relatives, friends, friends of friends, neighbors, neighbors’ relatives, neighbors’ friends and almost everyone they know or even do not know.

The bride, or the groom (like my friend in the case mentioned above) are happy to accept what is acceptable and finalized by everyone else. And so has been happening for generations in our country and our society. And surprisingly, everyone seems to be happy with the procedures followed.

But, as for me, it is not only the bride or the groom, but sometimes even people who aren't even involved in it all are the ones who bear the side effects of an Indian wedding.

In the second part of this post that’s coming up, I’ll relate to my very own experiences about attempts of me being forcefully made a prospective groom…. Huh…

And, by the way, finally the prospective bride for my friend has been selected. And she is the same girl whom I had put at no. 1 in my list…………

An open letter to the 'honor-killer(s)'...

Congratulations !

You must be highly delighted at your success of late. Especially around North India, where you have managed to accomplish no less than nineteen incidents between April 9 and June 30 of 2010. Which translates to about one every four days. And it clearly appears that there is a lot more to come.

It really intrigues me as to how and from where do you manage to gather such courage and inspiration to shed the blood of your own. Is it the commendation from your community that drives you to act ? Or is it something bigger ??

Oh… I’m sorry ! I completely forgot that it is the threat to your family’s and your community’s honor that drives you to take the path to glory. Certainly, you will go down in history as champions for the cause of honor.

But my idle mind fails to understand what exactly is the honor that you fight for. Maybe it is something you get in exchange of the highly expensive weddings that you plan for your children ? Or something that you receive in exchange of the big fat dowry that you give and take in such arranged marriages ? Or, to sum it up, it is what you get in return for selling off your very own children ??

Ok. I get it. Your honor is centered on your children’s marriage.

It doesn’t matter then, if you are a cheat in your profession. Or even if you are a traitor to your nation. But your honor rests solely on how and where your child marries. Wonderful that you have managed to keep it as simple as that.

Please pardon me for my stupidity as I used to link your honor to your beating up your wives in the confines of your houses. Or for that matter, to any such instances where I found you turning a blind eye to any misbehavior towards a female either in public or in your own home.

Maybe that’s why you don’t care to loose your honor while openly mouthing foul words in public. Or staring at more than suggestive huge-sized posters of ‘C’, ‘D’ or ‘X’ grade movies that decorate your cities and towns. How foolish of me to link your honor to such ‘normal’ things.

Obviously, it is absolutely normal to chase girls around on your bikes or cars. And it is also absolutely normal for you to stare at girls your daughter’s age. And maybe even go a few steps further. You don’t need to care about losing your honor there. But of course your honor is at stake when your daughter/son/sister/niece/nephew dares to choose their life-partners. Bravo !

Ohh… But I see where this is leading to. You actually have no real problems with your family member marrying someone from a different community. The religion, caste, gotra, village and all that rot is just a big cover-up. It is actually love that you cannot tolerate.

Ok, I know that you searched for love too when you were young. And I also understand that you never had the courage to stand for your likings. It had to be sacrificed for the sake of honor too, back in those days. So obviously, how can you let the next generation have their say even if they manage to gather courage to stand for their love ??? It is so very unfair to you.

Kudos to you that you will not hesitate to even kill your own loved ones to get justice !

But I must applaud you to turn all your vengeance towards the females who commit the ‘crime’ of love. I must say you have used your brains to the fullest and have exhibited extreme bravery in silencing the female ‘criminals’. That is why, most, if not all cases of you killing for honor are from the girl’s family.

I can only admire your valor in brutally and mercilessly killing your daughters/sisters/nieces/granddaughters and keeping your honor intact. It really glorifies you as champions of honor.

Obviously, it isn’t clever to kill your own son/brother/nephew/grandson. A female is a safe target and a better route to glory. I can only laugh at all those poor souls who relate the lack of education as the reason for you being a champion 'honor-killer'. If only they knew that many of you are highly educated people too.

So, in the end, I apologize for having so many meaningless myths about you in my mind. I will always remember that basically, you are dead against love. And that being a male-dominated society, you obviously cannot tolerate a girl standing up for her love which then leaves you no control over her life. And if she tries to do anything of the sort, it is a direct threat to your honor.

I specially commend all you elderly female 'honor-killers' who are providing the much needed support to their male counterparts in maintaining the society’s honor.

People say that our country is hundreds of years behind many other countries in terms of development. But I can surely say that with honor-killers like you, who amazingly carry on to protect our ‘culture’ and ‘traditions’, we can certainly give the Taliban a run for their money.

Once again my greetings to you for being real 'honor-killers' and efficiently killing our country’s honor for the world to see… !!!

Escape to Love...

Having been extremely busy with stuff, I haven’t been able to post anything here of late. To finish off an eventful year, I’m posting a story which I wrote for Avada Kedavra as a guest post on her blog. I’ll be back with lots more in the new year soon.

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She felt weak in her knees as she hopped down on to the platform.

She didn’t know if it was due to the exhaustion of the tiring journey or due to the biggest step she had ever taken in her life. But either of the reasons didn’t really matter now. Here she was. All alone, in an entirely unknown city.

She looked left, then to the right. No sign of him. “He must be there somewhere, checking every coach for me.” She thought. She hadn’t had a chance to tell him the coach number.

She saw an empty bench ahead. “I better wait for him here.” She sat there with her bag clutched in her lap.

There was life all around. Families getting off the train with loads of baggage. Porters running along in search of prospective customers. The vendors shouting at the top of their voices while doing brisk business. She tried her best to divert her attention to those little details of people’s lives. But at every next minute, she would involuntarily look around in search of him.

Amidst all the noises, she found her mind recollecting the events of the day.

It was early morning, when her dad had announced that the prospective groom and his family would be arriving in two days. And that was when she had lost it. She had announced her disapproval about the idea in no uncertain terms. And her dad had shouted at her. And she had shouted back at him. For the first time in life… !

And then she had rushed in to gather her belongings. She couldn’t breathe anymore in that cage. She shoved her things in the bag even as her mom continued to let her have more than just a piece of her mind.

She had decided. She was leaving. She wanted to be with HIM. HE was her life now.

She had tried to call him. But couldn’t get through. So she messaged him to let him know that she had left all for him. And that she would be arriving by the evening express. She got herself an un-reserved ticket with whatever little money she had saved. And she boarded the train. She was free. She was finally going to be with him.

A slight chill in the air shook her back into the present. The sun had almost gone down, letting the darkness take charge of things. But he still wasn’t there…

She felt her throat go dry. She quickly took a couple of gulps from the bottle she had bought. She felt better. But still…

It was almost an hour since she had de-boarded. Why wasn’t he here ? Did he get her message ? She took out her mobile phone. She hadn’t even got a chance to recharge the battery before leaving. The screen was blank. She switched it on. It showed some signs of life. Suddenly it blinked twice. “LOW BATTERY.” And it went dead again.

She saw a pay-phone on the side of the coffee shop. She went up to it, dropped in a coin and called his number. “NOT REACHABLE !”

She tried again. And again. And again. But without any luck.

She was starting to panic. Here she was, all by herself, in a completely new city. She didn’t know a soul. Except him. She didn’t know where to go. And she didn’t even have enough money.

She took out her purse and counted. She hadn’t eaten anything all day. Would that much be sufficient to buy her a meal ? If it was, then what after the meal ? Or should she skip the meal and buy a ticket back to home ?

HOME ?? What home ?? She had left home for good. There was no one to receive her back. Even if they were, did she have the courage to return ? She had argued… shouted… and vowed never to return. Could she face them now ?

And suddenly she felt her heart sinking…

She slowly went back to the bench and sat. What were the options for her now ? Were there any ?

“Why isn’t he here yet ? He’d surely have got my message. He always does. Ohhh… Why did I leave ? Why didn’t I think ? Did I act too hastily ?” That was all she could think of. Her heart sinking deeper with each passing second. Her mind was inching closer to the extreme decision. Her eyes brimming with tears.

He smiled as he looked at her from behind the pillar, still trying to catch his breath. Running the length of the long railway platform coupled with the immense anxiety about her had almost left him breathless. And then he slowly moved towards her.

He stood there, quietly, in front of her, while she looked down at the floor, almost numb with hopelessness.

“Hi.”

Startled, she looked up. And there he was, smiling at her.

She suddenly felt extreme emotions ready to explode inside her. Nothing could match the sense of relief she felt. But the raging anger felt matchless too. She loved him all the more now. But she also hated him with all she had. She wanted to run into his arms. And she wanted to kill him.

But all she could manage to do was to stand up and say, “Where were you ??”

“Sorry. Late as usual. You know I can never get my things ready in quick time…” He replied, still short of breath.

“Things ? What’s in that bag ? Where are you going ?” She was puzzled.

“WE are going back. To your place. I have to ask your dad for you. I don’t want him shouting later that I stole you.” He grinned.

“He won’t let you…”

“Then we’ll run away together. That’s why the bag…” He laughed.

She couldn’t keep herself from folding into his arms. Finally, she let go of the tears as well.

“I’m hungry…” She said.

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Wishing you all a very HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!

Unacceptable Love...

Almost all of us, at some point of time or the other, have been witness to couples (lovers) being separated instead of letting them marry and live peacefully ever after.

Reasons ? Differences in caste or religion or nationality or even financial status.

But whatever the reason may be, we see it happening day in and day out. And eventually, the helpless lovers give in and marry as and where they are demanded to.

It was only the other day when I came to realize the real reason of such incidents happening with an amazing frequency in India. I was talking to a close friend, discussing about his plans for his marriage.

As usual, his is an inter-caste case. So, obviously, not much help with starting things (if you are in India !). The girl’s family is not too pleased about it all. In fact, there has been an un-official refusal made already. So, while discussing about the available options, he informed me about the case of the girl’s elder sister, who had already experienced a forcefully broken relationship.

“Inter-caste too ??” I asked him.

“No.” He replied.

“Inter-religion ??” I asked again.

“No.” He replied again. “Same caste and religion.”

“What do you mean ?? Was the guy a criminal or something ??” I asked back.

“No. He was a well settled doctor.” He replied back.

And thus, it dawned on me that the reason for the family’s disapproval of the match was that the girl knew the boy before marriage. And that couldn’t be allowed.

CAN YOU BEAT THAT ???!!!

Yes ! That is exactly the reason why us Indians are never comfortable with love marriages. We make all sorts of excuses. We so confidently claim that arranged marriages are always more successful than love marriages. That a person can never adjust to the lifestyle of a family of a different community. That there is nothing called love that’ll last a lifetime. And a pile of such age-old arguments.

But the bitter reality is that whatever excuses we make, it is actually the idea of love that we cannot accept. We just cannot see two people who are happy being with each other. Instead of being content with our own happiness, we are troubled to see others happy. Even if the others are our own children.

Take for example, the recent cases in Haryana. A whole village made life hell for a couple who fell in love and wanted to marry each other. Reason ?? They belonged to the same ‘gotra’… (whatever that is supposed to be)

So that means, they won’t take people marrying out of their community. And neither would they allow people marrying in their own community. But don’t you get it ?? Actually, they wouldn’t tolerate a love marriage.

But why this intolerance ?? Is it merely an intolerance or is it in fact, a sort of payback ??

People who fall in love, but give in to the demands of their parents, family or community, wouldn’t often tolerate their next generation trying something similar. If they couldn’t have their way, how can the kids have theirs… ?? What they went through in their times, has to be paid back.

For instance, in the above case, the parents didn’t want their daughter to marry someone she already knew. But they wanted to marry her off to some unknown guy who, only God knew, would turn out to be what. They would rather take the risk of marrying their daughter to a possible wife-beater instead of letting her marry a decent guy she already knew. It would just be the girl’s luck if the guy turns out to be nice. If not…

In other words, if the mom found things out the hard way, why shouldn’t her daughter too ?? Is that the question they are trying to ask ??

And such a thing is not just limited to the un-educated population. Education has nothing to do with the mindset of the individual these days. I know well about a very senior doctor who is the head of his department in a reputed medical institute, who is making life hell for one of his residents just for the reason that this resident married a girl he loved out of his community. (the biggest irony is that this senior doc married his wife in just the same manner when he was a resident himself !)

We call ourselves the largest democracy in the world and take pride in it too. But do we let it out to the world about the type of sadists that we are ?? That we don’t even spare the happiness of our own kids… We don’t have the guts to love and then face the world. But we revel in targeting anyone who dares to.

Why can’t we just mind our own businesses ?? Why can’t we feel happy if our children are happy ?? Why can’t we just simply accept love ???

Elopement...

Ok. So, I’m back !

Back after a rather adventurous fortnight of my life. Being somewhat in the thick of things, I couldn’t really get time to post about my exciting life lately.

Ok. So as you must be knowing by now that I got involved into helping my friend elope and marry. It being the usual ‘inter-religion’ case, things weren’t easy at all. So, desperate measures were required.

But rather than the usual ‘elope and marry’ thing, it became a sort of ‘marry and elope’ scenario. Well, if you are failing to grasp the plot, I’ll just elaborate it for you.

As mentioned in my last post ‘Right or Wrong...’, I was on my way to get my friend married to the girl of his choice. Though both their families were well informed of their choice, neither was ready to accept it. (Isn’t it ironical that people who carry on an affair behind their parents’ back are always considered the obedient son/daughter by them. But if they are honest enough to confess their choice, they at once become the spoilt and disobedient child…)

So, they eventually got married. It was decided after the ceremony was over that neither would inform their family and they would keep it a hush-hush affair till their parents see some sense and they could manage to persuade their parents to accept their choice in due course of time.

But as usual, there are always people around who cannot do without getting some ‘excitement’ into other people’s lives. And it so happened that within the very first week, both the families got the news of their lives. (Well, surely not everyone does get the ‘news’ of their child getting married…)

As almost always happens in such cases, the scenario regarding the girl’s family is usually the more delicate one. And it just sounded like a co-incidence to me when their arose an emergency of sorts in the girl’s home which resulted in her arriving in some panic.

If I have not mentioned it earlier, I should tell you that the girl is from my own city living not more than five minute’s drive from my house. (And her dad’s office is just two houses down my own street…!)

So, I received the couple when they arrived at the station. I dropped the girl some distance from her house to avoid her being seen by someone which could result in some unpleasant consequences. We (my friend and I) were driving to my home when she called to inform that there really was no emergency. It was a trick to call her home and look into matters (which I was sure wasn’t going to be something pleasant…)

While my friend continued to try to get to talk to her on the phone (there appeared to be quite a commotion on the other end between her and her mom as I could hear), I decided that certain drastic measures were needed to be taken in the situation. We had already entered the street to her house when I heard her mom shouting into a phone for her dad to return home immediately. Which meant, he had no clue about the proceedings by then. But the return of her dad would make sure that things would get highly complicated. I had already heard about the shortness of her dad’s temper before.

So, I quickly and strategically parked my car into a by-lane very near to her house while my friend suggested her to come out of the house as quickly as she could. Now, when I say suggested, it was more of a mix of panic and desperation. But it surely was effective.

We were rapidly losing precious time, as it wouldn’t be much more than a matter of five minutes before her dad would be driving in, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Well, we didn’t get to see if actually he did so because before long, she could ‘escape’ out and made her way towards us. I was ready with the door open and she had hardly got inside, when I told her to lie down on the back seat.

And we drove off….

I still wonder about the number of seconds by which we gave her dad the slip. But yes, I had to drive around town (with her still lying on the back-seat) into clever short cuts and by-lanes to avoid barging into her dad or someone even remotely known.

I have always believed that the best place for any criminal to hide after committing a crime is the police station. That is the last place where anyone would go searching. And so, I got them to my home, knowing that her dad’s office was barely a few steps away. But as I said, he would never come searching for her anywhere near his own office. Though I had to use a back-lane to get to my own house, but that was worth it.

We waited until it was dark and then I got them bundled onto a bus headed out of town to escape being pulled up by any acquaintance. So it became a case of ‘marry and elope’…

It has been many days since, and they have returned and resumed their work. The families, though still sulking, are somewhat recovering from the shock. But we all are positive that they will manage to please their families in due course of time.

As for me, I’m rather satisfied to have been of help in preventing at least two lives getting spoilt for good.

And also that I got sufficient practice at driving off with a girl in the back of my car… I don’t know yet if I’ll require that for myself too.

But, who knows… :p

Right or Wrong...

Lately, I have been pre-occupied with matters of life and death. Not exactly mine, but of someone extremely close to me. If you have read my earlier post about ‘Being an Indian Girl…’, you would very well know what I’m talking about.

Ok, so there’s this case of a young couple who are in love and are facing some pretty bad opposition from their families in order to end it all. But thankfully, due to the prevailing of some better sense (and some serious efforts in persuasion from yours truly), they finally decided to marry.

So, just the other day, I suddenly got a call that all was decided and they would be marrying in the quick way which such couples usually have to resort to ultimately. As I was needed as a witness, I had to leave immediately for the destination.

Since all this was a hush-hush affair, there wasn’t anyone else who would be there to give some much needed confidence and support to the marrying couple. Not even our other friends. So, I decided to hook along one of our close friends who was visiting his family during the Puja holidays.

All I told him over the phone was that we were going to attend a wedding. Whose, I did not tell. I promised to let the secret out once we met at the bus station.

I found him inspecting the vacant seats of a bus when I reached there. As he caught sight of me, he gave me that look which said, “You have some explaining to do… and pretty fast”. I smiled and suggested that we find seats for ourselves first.

We had hardly been seated when he threw the flood of question at me. I had to break this slowly to him, for I knew about his history of being really bad at taking surprises. More so, this would be surely a shock rather than a surprise.

But experience isn’t everything. Because, hardly had I revealed the name of our mutual friend (who was getting married), his eyes bulged out of their sockets and he jumped almost bumping his head on the luggage rack above his seat. A classic example of watching someone jump even while he is seated…

After a few minutes, when things had probably started to sink in, and also the bus had started moving, did I see him coming back to life once again. The following is the conversation we had between us after that.

______________________________

Me : So…. ??

Friend : This is not right !

Me : What is not right ?

Friend : They shouldn’t marry like this…

Me : But there’s no other option…

Friend : How will their parents feel…

Me : They’ll feel bad. Obviously.

Friend : They should think of their parents who’ve done so much for them all these years…

Me : Hmmm…

Silence…….

Friend : They should have thought about all the problems before starting their relationship…

Me : When love strikes, the brain is always in deep slumber. Love is not a decision. You cannot decide emotions.

I just remembered my earlier post ‘Decision or Emotion…’

Friend : How can they just forget about their parents… ??

Me : Who said they are forgetting their parents ? Or they would forget after marrying ? Why is it that everything that they’ve done for their parents is calculated on the basis of this one decision… ?? Would everything they’ve done for their parents get wiped off just by their decision to marry… ??

Friend : I mean why can’t they think of what their parents wish for them.

Me : Isn’t their wish in this matter unreasonable ?

Friend : Why ??

Me : What’s the shortcoming in the boy or the girl ? Just that they were born in different communities ?

Friend : Still. They are trying to make their lives at the expense of their parents.

Me : How do you mean ?

Friend : Their parents have to live in this society.

Me : Yes. So… ?

Friend : They have to be answerable to the society.

My hand twitched to hit something in a fit of irritation….

Friend : It will be a difficult life for their parents.

Me : Leaving this case aside, have you ever seen anyone from the caste/community come forward to help one of their own in times of any difficulty ? But yes, they’ll be right there to criticize once a person does something off track.

Friend : Still…

Me : Still what… ? Tell me. Is pleasing one’s own community more important than the happiness of one’s children ?? That community which gives a damn to everything once the wedding dinner gets over….

Silence…….

Friend : Have their parents done all that they have done to deserve this ?

Me : Deserve what ? If they both give the utmost care and respect to their own and each other’s parents after their marriage, is that a raw deal ?

Friend : And how long have they known each other ?

Me : A little over three months.

Friend : How can they expect to know each other so well in such a short time that they expect everything to go nicely ?

Me : Hadn’t A****** (another mutual friend of ours) met his wife just for an hour and decided to marry her. Is it valid just because theirs was an arranged meeting through their parents ? In most arranged marriages still, most couples meet each other for a few hours once or twice. How then, is that considered to be a good prognosis for a happy married life ?

Friend : Still how can they put their lives in each other’s hands… ? Parents know best as they are experienced.

I thought of reminding him that he hadn’t known the driver of our bus well enough too before putting his life in his hands. The way these drivers drive these days, it’s really like putting our lives in their hands. But I decided against telling him this.

Me : Usually parents look for a decent reputed family, financial stat…

He chipped in…

Friend : Yes. A reputed family background. That’s not a wrong criteria to look for.

Me : Agreed. But does a reputed family background guarantee a boy or a girl with a good moral character ?

And I named a few such examples from good families whom we had seen and experienced in college.

Friend : In an arranged marriage it is not just the couple but the bonding of two families…

Me : So, is that bonding between two families more important even if the couple are not a good match and are not happy being together... ?? And if the couple themselves cannot bond, how can you expect the families to bond... ??

Friend : Do you mean to say arranged marriages are wrong ?

Me : No. In fact they are the best possible option for certain people. I’ll tell you which people. They are the best for people who have never loved. Those who are happy to live with a person who has been searched according to the criteria they and their family have. Those who want a simple life with a partner who can manage the aspects of married life according to their own and their family’s needs in life.

Friend : So ?? Aren’t arranged marriages more successful ?

Me : If you consider success by two people living together just because they are wedlocked, then I don’t agree. There are so many examples where the couple can’t stand the sight of each other. But are still together. Either for the sake of family or for the sake of their children. You can call that a successful marriage. But I won’t. But then again, there are numerous examples of successful arranged marriages too. But it’s absolutely wrong to arrange a marriage elsewhere for someone who is already in love with another person.

Friend : They are resisting their family’s wish to get married elsewhere. I know its difficult. But after marriage, everything becomes fine. Everyone forgets and moves on in life.

Me : How do you know… ??

Friend : Why ?? Isn’t A*** (another mutual friend) happy ? He got married as per his parent’s wishes. He forgot his love.

Me : Hmmm… It may be possible for boys to forget and ‘move on’. But I guess it’s not so with girls. And I have ample proof to support my statement which unfortunately I cannot divulge. It’s easier for boys more so because they have the upper hand in a marriage.

Friend : Huh…

Me : And by any chance, a guy gets to know that his wife had an affair before marriage, which most often he does, then life’s nothing short of hell for that girl. Is it right to ruin the life of one’s own daughter just for some false honor… ??

Friend : Hmmm…

Silence…….

Friend : But if I were in a similar case, I wouldn’t have done this…

Me : That’s why you are not in a similar case…

Friend : I would never approve of my children marrying into another community…

Me : Well, I hope such a situation never arises. But I know you’ll love your children more than anything else.

Friend : You may say what you like. But caste/religion/community does matter.

I wished to ask him if he knew what caste or religion or community was the vendor in the bus from whom he had purchased the bottle of cold-drink earlier which he was busy sipping now.

Me : I know parents do all they can for the good of their children. And also that children do all they can for their parents. But they should be allowed to take this one decision of their life.

Me : They are making a difference. And I’m with them in this. That’s how some stupid mindsets would eventually be eradicated from our country.

Me : And you are with us too in this. Aren’t you ??

I smiled....

Friend : Hmmm… Yes. I am. Why do you think I’m accompanying you…

My smile broadening….

Friend : But…

Me : It’s not wrong… !

Being an Indian Girl...

You know what… I sometimes wonder how special would Indian girls feel. To be playing the role of a mother, daughter, sister and getting all the admiration that is showered on them.

But when, sometimes, I imagine, what if I was born as a girl in India…. I’m scared to the limits of my soul… !!! Makes my hair stand on end… !! Why ???

Ok. I’ll tell you about a real Indian girl whom I know.

This girl, is as simple as they come. She had always been the sincere daughter as was expected of her. Never ever asked anything for herself. Was always truthful to her parents. Studied hard to become a doctor. Kept studying hard to qualify for higher studies. When suddenly…….

She fell for a guy.

Someone, two years her senior. Someone, who really cared for her. Someone, who reciprocated her feelings in just the same way. Someone, who made her smile even through tough working hours. Someone, who made her feel really special. Someone, who fell for her just in the same way as she had for him.

So, where’s the problem ? It’s going perfectly fine, just like a fairytale, you would say….

Religion it is…. Now you realize this fairytale is Indian…. Don’t you ??

As per her nature, this girl didn’t want to hide her feelings from her family.

You must already be expecting what’s coming round the corner by now….

The bomb had been dropped…. !!! Sacrilege…. !!! Matter of life and death. No…. !!! It’s even more than just life and death. It’s about religion…. And respect….

Obviously, she was greeted with stern disapproval. An outright NO from her brother and mother. They didn’t have the heart to inform her father.

And then begins the tormenting. The increased commotion to find a ‘suitable’ match for her as soon as possible.

This girl, who hadn’t so much as had a proper conversation with any guy all her college life just because her family wouldn’t like it (Yes…. It’s true), gets constantly pestered by the same family now to talk on the phone or even meet total strangers, one of whom would be her ‘match’.

And as she refuses or even hesitates, the mother gets hysterical, stops eating, continues crying and using these as handy emotional blackmailing tools. While the brother tries to gather any cooked up shortcomings of her love-interest and threatens him of dire consequences.

The family are ready to stop at nothing. Even if it means stopping her from pursuing her studies altogether.

Why ?? Because she has let them down…. !

If I may ask,…. How has she let them down ? Is it by being a sincere, honest and selfless daughter all her life ? Or has she let them down by proving her merit in studies ? She could have gone and got married behind their backs. But she chose to tell her family the truth. Yes, she let them down.

If I may ask,…. Is the guy she chose unsuitable ?
Is he illiterate? NO.
Is he uneducated ? NO. Most highly educated.
Is he unemployed ? NO. And with a bright future indeed.
Is he a criminal ? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Is he indecent/manner less ? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Does he indulge in bad habits ? Never drinks. Never smokes. (A rare virtue in doctors these days…. Believe me)
And he has utmost respect for elders and Indian traditions.

So, does being from a different religion over-shadows all other virtues ???

Or does religion or caste decide the real marital happiness ???

And today, I hear the most ridiculous thing of it all. While pressurizing her yet again her mother said something which was…. “I’ve kept you in my womb for nine months. Consider that as a debt. I beg you to repay me that debt now by ending your relationship.”

Is that why parents have kids ?? So they can demand the payment of their ‘debts’ at the expense of their kids’ happiness just to fulfill their unreasonable demands and the desire of a fake respect in the society… ?? The society, that is nowhere to be seen after the wedding dinner is over.

Should all the acts in life and results of relationships be assessed just by the decision of marriage ? Shouldn’t a girl be allowed to choose her own life-partner ?? Should she accept to be tied to a complete stranger who assumes that he owns her ?? Should she be even a bit considerate for parents who feel as if they’ve obliged her by bringing her into the world even though she is a girl ??

It boggles the mind….

But I do sincerely hope and pray to God, that, better sense may prevail and this girl must not face the fate so many other Indian girls face everyday.

And I also hope that more and more Indian girls stand up for not just their rights, but also for their dreams and aspirations.

To, The Indian Female...

No. I’m not feeling sleepy. I was feeling sleepy though, some 8 odd hours ago. But not since I decided to browse around a bit for some updates if any before hitting the bed. I found an update on Nikita’s blog in the form of 'A Letter' to the 'Indian Male'. And the rest of the night was spent twisting and turning trying to discover a comfortable position which could get me some sleep. But, which wasn’t to be.

Well, the reason for my sleeplessness was the sheer amazement to how she had put into words, the contents of a part of my mind. She had tossed a coin pretty high. But it would have been much better if she had turned the other side of it too. The other face of the same coin which was staring right at my mind’s eye…. refusing to let it drift into sleep.

So let me toss the coin again….

I first faced one such situation after completing school. It was some cold December evening when I was with three of my colleagues in a restaurant. Having ordered, we were in the midst of some discussion which suddenly shifted to the females of our batch. And suddenly, I found myself rather uncomfortable. I made two futile attempts to divert the proceedings elsewhere. But I guess they had got the ‘masala’ for gossip. And it was getting filthier as each second passed.

I could feel my eyes starting to burn, hot air escaping the ears and my head nearing the point of bursting. And just as they started to use names, I lost it. I completely lost it.

People who have known me would tell you that they have never seen me lose my temper. They would be surprised to know if I did. But, personally, I surprised myself by the sort of anger that I let loose then. I gave them a public dressing-down which I never thought myself to be capable of. All the people sitting around were looking at us and I wouldn’t be too mistaken if they actually expected me to get rough any second considering the state I was in. Soon, I was storming out of the place with my colleagues absolutely shocked and the onlookers pretty surprised.

And guess what !!! One of those colleagues of mine later married a girl of our own batch (not that very day… of course).

Coming to another incident which happened right during class hours. We had our batch divided into smaller ones (groups of about 20) for the sake of the numerous subjects we had to study. During one such class we were still waiting for our professor while being busy in our talks. As usual, the girls occupied the first two rows of chairs in the room while the boys sat at the back.

And the group in the last row got busy in their usual disgusting talks. One or two of them made sure to use the filthiest of expletives in the loudest of voices so that it may reach the ears of each and every one sitting in the room.

The girls were busy in their own talks. In fact they tried their best to portray exactly that. But the intense observer that I am, I could see that people were very uncomfortable. And then there was a repeat of the feeling I had at the restaurant.

And suddenly I got up, and stormed out of the room without a word. I was furious. In fact, I was in a rage. I could sense two forces having a battle of sorts inside my head. One wanted me to go back and teach the perverts a lesson. While the other tried to reason. If I did confront the perverts, I would in fact be bringing the filth out in the open which, the people had till then told themselves, didn’t exist. I would make it obvious what everyone was trying their best to ignore. Cause for great embarrassment. And that was exactly what those pervs wanted. I ended up missing the class…

Maybe I should have confronted them in order to prevent any future repetition of their misbehavior. But I guess my inexperience got the better of me.

And guess what !!! One of those colleagues of mine later married a girl of our own batch (not that very day… of course).

Which is what makes me ponder to my wits end. And what Nikita wrote in her letter to ‘Indian males’ underlines the very crux of my pondering.

“I understand that all of you are not the same, but I do not know which of you to address. I don’t know which of you is a ‘safe bet’. And I have no way of knowing it.”
But wasn’t it something else I knew all the time ? Something which said that, men’s minds are absolutely simple to understand. While a female’s mind is the most complicated thing you’ll ever come across.

If a male’s mind is so simple to understand, why can’t the females evaluate his real character ??? Why is there a dilemma in knowing the ‘safe bet’ ??? Why is there no way of knowing it ???

Consider a situation (in India, of course). A girl is away from home (be it a market, at work or the college campus) and a boy comes up and says that he would like to be her friend.

The reaction…. ??? Well, it depends. If the girl in question is a bit more adventurous, the answer would depend on the type of footwear she has on herself at that moment. A not so adventurous girl would let her eyes do the work of the footwear instead. But, almost in every case, the outcome is the same. Which actually means…. “How dare you could come up and talk to me like that?”

And if by any chance the boy happens to be her batch mate she has known for years…. SACRILEGE !!!

I may be over-exaggerating the situation but that was pretty much the norm in my younger days. Youngsters now are much more sensible than they were back then.

But yes, the same girl would probably be meeting a complete stranger sometime later in life who has been discovered by her parents as a probable match. (Again a norm in older times)

So what…. ??? Her parents have investigated everything there needs to be.

The guy is an MBA, working in the US with a huge salary package (would take his wife abroad with him) and has reasonable family background. What else can one ask for ? Character ??? No. That’s obvious.

So what if the guy robs the parents of their life’s earnings in the form of that sacred ritual called dowry. So what if he is having an ‘affair’ or two. So what if he is the same old pervert while with his ‘gang’ of friends. Marital rape ?? Oh. Come on. That’s nothing compared to the comfortable life she will get after marriage….

But obviously she just can’t accept an offer of friendship from a colleague. She didn’t know if he was a ‘safe bet’. And she had absolutely no way of knowing it too… !!!

Mind you, I too, understand that all of you are not the same. Just as you understand that all Indian men are not the same. But we have this habit of stereotyping the other gender. Don't we ?

Just for a tip, a high level of educational qualifications, luxurious levels of financial status and even a sound and respected family background cannot rule out perverseness.

Accepted. So many males are perverted. Maybe even to the extent of a majority. But that doesn’t mean you put all of them in a box, blindfold yourself and pick one out. And once picked, you place him on a pedestal which equals to that of God. What I’m driving at is that many times, even the knowledge of a man's true character is ignored by a woman, specially if he happens to be the chosen one and/or family.

Thankfully, females now (specially the youngsters) are sensible enough to identify the character of a person quicker and more accurately than their elder generations. And I actually don't blame the older generations of not being able to judge a person's true character too. What I fail to understand is how and why some females tend to ignore the perverseness of the men close to them.

Maybe patriarchy has its effect on this too. But you need to destroy it's shackles as much as us males need to. Patriarchy actually affects males as well.

Sleep…. Dear sleep…. Where are you…. ???

P.S. : I guess I got delayed in posting this bit which I had managed to do in the morning courtesy the Electricity Supply Association.